Damn Bloody Valentine.

I guess, sometimes I do expect some superfluous characters from others. I know imperfection is a nature as a human but it becomes a turn-off when what you expect don’t exceed the reality. It’s frustrating to learn that there are so many people who are interesting and tried to enter your life but ending up being someone who don’t fulfill the characters you always envisioned. Maybe the problem is with me. I am easily get bored? My libido turns on and off instantaneously? Green-Eyed monster? Egocentric? Refuse to be submissive when repressed? Defensive?

The time is running out and I shouldn’t waste my time for this. I should have been studying and work my ass off  for upcoming exam! Then again, the practical fiasco had absolutely deterred 80% of my motivation to succeed this course with flying colour! Being excel isn’t in the agenda anymore. Dammit, I can’t sleep tonite. *Geez*

It’s such a dirty mess imperfect at it’s best
But it’s my love, my love, my bloody valentine
Sometimes I wanna leave but then I watch you next to me
My love, my love, my bloody valentine
Maybe I should but still I just can’t walk away
Try to convince me once again that I should stay
Through all the brokenness this bleeding heart must confess
I love my love my bloody valentine

A Malay Dilemma : Confluence of Rural & Urban.

The polarization of  “Malay-ness” varies these days; which is a far cry from the days of Hang Tuah and The Malay Sultanate. There is a segregation between the so-called ‘urban’ Malays and the typical-and-ordinary-rural Malays.

Within the Malaysian society these days, an urban Malay is defined as the one who is very much embracing the Western culture, practicing clubbing-and-drinking-liquors as their staple diets, free-sex fornication amongst partners, able to converse and write in English very well, resides in town area and their lives are much absorbed with the Westernized assimilated traits. Whereas the rural Malays or the ‘typical’  are defined as the ones who are still rooted with the traditional lives, much-bounded with the authenticity of Malay cultures, deeply practicing pious and Islamic teachings, and are perceived with narrow-skeptical minds.

The serene paddy-vista landscape at Jitra, Kedah.

As a Malay who is born to a middle-class family; from a father who used to work as the Lans-Constable policeman and a mother who was a nurse, we don’t speak English. That’s why it always remain a mysterious thing amongst the people in my former neighborhood that on how a man who hardly knows how to speak English could nurture 2 children who are considerably loquacious in the language. Well, honestly I was kinda in bewilderment myself to recall back on how I could master the language; if not superior but better than some ‘modern’ Malays.

Life has exposes me to a certain degree of precious experiences. In my life, I have been mingling with all kind of people from different walks of life; especially for my race, the Malays. I’ve met urban Malays who practically fornicate with everyone he/she met along the way; I’ve met rural Malays who questioned on how I could get along with multiracial friends; I’ve met urban Malays who looked down at ‘typical’ people who don’t speak English; I’ve met rural Malays who try to boast their ass-off by using certain simple English words to impress-people-but-in-reality-don’t-know-how-to-speak-English. It always puzzle me to discover new traits between this segregation.

Zouk. A reputable ’socializing’ place in KL.

Personally, I consider myself as the confluence between urban and rural. I certainly couldn’t be a rural since I was born and bred in town and all my life, I’ve been quite ‘pampered’ by the modern facilities BUT I am also certainly couldn’t be an urban because my upbringing is deeply rooted to the traditional culture; and I don’t drink, clubbing and I am a virgin. I can say my proficiency in English helps me a lot to meet interesting people. In a way, I am blessed to Allah SWT for having this ability because there was NO WAY my sister and I could ever master English if given the circumstances of our typical Malay surrounding and atmospheres! I’ve met global entrepreneurs, diplomatic officers, national-level athletic coaches, bimbos-with-brains; all thanks to my English.

But looking back from the authentic root of my typical Malay childhood; would I ever want to trade it and aspire it to be the other way round? To lose the carefree days of climbing the tallest trees in the FRU Police Barrack at Padang Tembak, Penang? To lose the days of going to the Religious Class of Mak Cik Nen and did a convoy of bicycles with friends around FRU? To lose the days of collecting the “bekas-bekas peluru” from the Shooting Area (Lapangan Menembak)? NO WAY! I am just proud that I have the experience of all these ‘typicalities’ and of course unlike some of my acquaintances who had their first educations in UK or USA (because the parents were furthering studies, etc) or anything like that.

From corporate civilian to simple non-exclusive civilian. I miss my ex-colleagues in the Bank and those days mingling with them great people (I miss them!); but I belong in the ‘ordinary’ world. Teacher.

I am a domestic Malay. Although I do have my wildest-impulsive characters. I think I can suit myself with urban Malays and rural Malays; but I am inclined towards ‘rural-ness’. And I loathe hearing some ‘urban’ Malays condemning their rural counterparts; and vice-versa. I had the experience of ‘getting to know’ someone who was a professional corporate person; who happened to look down at my soon-to-be profession as a mere teacher. Well, no harm’s done. I am always better. I CHOSE not to be in that world. The world filled with egoism and free-fuck? Oopsie, I bailed myself out.

Alhamdulillah. To everything that is happening in my life now. I am truly GRATEFUL.

Tale Of Tooth &Tok.

The pain of having the wisdom tooth to emerge was really bugging me for the last 4 days. In the end, I thought of ending it by plucking it out. Little did I know that the post-impact of the removal was going to be a bit of ‘hell.‘ Honestly for me, it was a bit traumatic one in comparison to the one I had last year at Bandar Baru Bangi where it was generally an easy-and-smooth process.

Contoh Wisdom Tooth.

When I met the dentist and decided to have my wisdom tooth removed (since the painkillers do no justice to the gum), I thought it was simply gonna be a fast-and-easy one. First, the dentist injected the anaesthesia (ubat bius) onto the gum and waited until 15 minutes. Pada masa tu, my gum memang dah rasa numb and I felt like my lips swollen to the size of bee-stung lips!. Tunggu punya tunggu (time gone so slowly), the dentist begun his ‘operation’. Mulut saya dibuka habis-habisan dan segala peralatan dental dimasukkan. The dentist was actually having a hard time nak removed the tooth that he used all his might nak keluarkan gigi tu! So u can imagine, mulut saya kena twist dan dipulas kerana dentist berusaha nak keluarkan gigi yang keras tersemat dalam gusi tu! Honestly for me, injection jarum bukanlah sesuatu yang menakutkan and saya tak ada sebarang masalah; cuma apabila dentist memulas mulut untuk keluarkan gigi tu dengan kuat menyebabkan saya agak tersentak. Takut jugak! Setelah berjaya, dentist menjahit bahagian gusi wisdom tooth yang telah dikeluarkan untukmengelakkan pendarahan berlaku.

Sepanjang 2 jam pertama, kesan bius di mulut masih terasa lagi. Absolutely numb. Tetapi selepas tu, mulalah terasa sakit. Nak dijadikan cerita, mak dan ayah tak ada di rumah kerana menghantar Tok (grandma) ke Kuala Lumpur untuk pembedahan; jadi tinggallah saya seorang. Masa tu, hanya Allah yang tahu bertapa sukarnya nak telan air liur (saliva); rasa lapar yang amat sangat tapi tak boleh bercakap; nak makan pun tak boleh kerana laluan makanan dekat dengan tempat yang baru dijahit. Badan letih dan kepala pening tapi tak boleh tidur kerana jika tidak, air liur akan bertakung pada tekak. Pada masa tu, saya memang rasa nak menangis tapi tak boleh nak buat apa-apa dah. Perut mula mula pedih kerana makanan tak dijamah tetapi ubatan (painkillers dan antibiotik) dipaksa-telan. Mahu takmahu terpaksalah saya menyumbat masuk gumpalan nasi ke dalam tekak untuk melapik perut. Hanya Allah SWT sahaja yang tahu akan keadaan masa itu.

Me and Tok.

5 jam berlalu lebih kurang pukul 1.00 pagi, ayah dan mak sampai ke Jitra. Alhamdulillah, Tok dan dihantar ke klinik di KL di bawah jagaan Chu ‘Aq. Legalah sikit Mak dan Ayah dah balik dalam keadaan yang terjepit ni. Pagi ni, saya tak jadi ke Jamuan Hari Raya/ Majlis Anugerah Sekolah Cemerlang SK Sultanah Asma kerana keadaa tak mengizinkan. Apa nak buat, 2 perkara yang sepatutnya dilakukan bila berada di sana iaitu BERCAKAP dan MAKAN saya tak boleh lakukan; rasa rindu nak bertemu dengan bekas-bekas pelajar dan guru-guru terpaksa ditahan; nampaknya tak ada rezeki lah nak berjumpa. Tak apalah, kalau ada rezeki tu, bertemulah kita (mungkin 10 atau 20 tahun akan datang). Murid saya Auni, dari 3 Venus SMS saya tadi :

“Sir, kenapa Sir tak datang tadi? Saya bagitau Syifa Sir nak datang dia melompat dengan Elysha”

Apa-apapun keadaan bertambah baik walaupun kesan jahitan masih terasa di bahagian gusi tu. Suhu badan plak kadang-kadang panas dan Ok bila antibiotik dimakan. Pengalaman yang cukup tidak dapat dilupakan malam kelmarin *phew*. Mulut ni mcm dah tak ada fungsi. Bayangkan nak menangis pun suara tak keluar;sakit pula nak telan air liur. tapi yalah, saya manusia yang lemah. Ujian Allah yang sedikit ni pun membuatkan saya tak keruan. Saya bersyukur pada Allah SWT. Kata orang, sakit yang diberikan Allah SWT adalah sebagai penebus dosa yang dilakukan.