It’s been a TOUGH period time now. Mak is being stoned cold after she berated me (deliberately or not?) for not making the peringkat ke-3. She said becoz I didnt pray hard as in really bertawakal to Allah SWT. This really make me sad and cliche, I bursted into tears. My father being so protective and usually provocative one plak sensed the ‘dagger’ my mom fired to me in her words defended me. GOD. I feel bad. But I appreciate all the soothing words my friends gave to me…huhuh. My Donchas People (Kat & Efy : yep,the three amigos DIDN’T MAKE IT), Muzem (thanks for being a caring friend), Couzy-Sis Darweena (thanks Couz for all the kata-kata kesedaran. one point i was struck by that), Naz (huuhh…), Am-Ida Ayume- Hali and by Big Sis….
I tried to control my emotion and often it failed. I guess i have to accept that those are selected HAVE X-FACTOR THAT I DON’T HAVE. I’m a sore loser coz i’m very competitive, very KIASU (hate losing). I a whinner so I’m sorry for lamenting sucha trivial matter. And Am, the blog entry u wrote STRUCK me big time! I guess reality bites! Insya Allah, i will try it again to balas dendam (erk? tak ikhlas nya).. But in the meantime now, i have to work my a** on finding a job or I will have this feeling of being a burden fat a##! Now, i dont wannna put high hope in anything (KPLI? i dunno la). I have to work on the resume-sending routine AGAIN and i think i’m gonna try my luck as a mcirobiologist in Kedah Medical Centre (how frustrated I am sampai nak keja as something i have been avoiding?!!!).
I have noticed Nazmi Manap, my bio friend pun berjaya melayakkan diri. Tahniah!! (but deep down i have to confess i hate THAT!sorry for being sucha wimp but i’m jeles). Tapi I admire his enthusiast sbb this is second time trying. Well, I guess prayer does pay. Kalao saya ada rezki, satu hari nanti i will be a PTD. Itu angan dan impian; waalupun sebenarnya tak taula apa yg seronok sgt jadi PTD ni. Keja banyak gaji sikit tapi benefit banyak la. Mungkin kerana prestij kot. and to secure a permanent JOB!
Yesterday I even thought of killing myself! I know it sounded stupid but it does when something u though u could nail it just smacked ur a## and GONE! I’m not being dramatic, I did of thinking of killing myself but i’m scare of seksaan kubur in Netherworld. Tapi kata-kata semangat yg Ayah cakap tadi menyentuh hati saya. Ini ujian Allah SWT yg ingin mengajar saya yg I’m not perfect. Ada org lagi yg lebih berbakat dari saya. Tak bermakna Allah SWT akan mengkabulkan setiap permintaan yg kita doa. Ini ketentuan-Nya. It makes me comfortable tapi sekiranya saya terima KPLI (kalao dapat) maksudnya saya tak boleh dah berpatah balik nak apply jadi PTD. Itu yg merungsingkan saya. Bila difikirkan balik2x rasa mcm nak gila. Sekarang saya faham bagaimana org yg terlalu kecewa boleh jadi gila sbb keep thinking about it. Ya Allah, give me strength to overcome this depressing period.