Blogging is a therapeutic escapade for me. I have been ‘documenting’ almost naked-truth about everything what I have been dealing with my life, emotionally and physcially. It’s the sense of unleashing the anxiety and emotional upheavel that makes me perceive blogging as a remedy for my inner turbulence.
I wanna talk about double personality. Have you ever wonder sometimes that maybe you are not what people actually perceive you as? Personally, it’s a strange feeling for me because when i’m surrounded by people, I’m like this ‘cutie-pie cherry childlike’ person who always giggle and naivety seems endless. But when I’m alone, the recluse darker sense float in me. People around me can only see the ‘darker’ side when I’m in extreme anger or sadness. In this state, it seems that I couldn’t control ‘it’ and this freaks me out coz I could do anything but ordinary. For example like the day I cried " F*cking B*tch" at Selera Murni to Toupe or the day I was being this "You-Mess-With-Me-I’m-Gonna-Dog-u-Back" attitude to Abg Nasrul sumwhere in Sungai Dua in front of people crowding the alley (coz that time I was suspecting it was him who co-wrote the poison letter to me!); it just went berserk! ..or the moment when i was thinking of cutting myself about the PTD-thingy. The childlike being dissappeared and the new alter-ego who like bondage, knives, tattoos and enjoy reading horror novels emerged; strutting a** with "Don’t mess up with me" strides. And once i have cool-down, I always regret any words-vomit i have commited in that volcanic-eruption state.. *sigh*!
Tattoos. Why I like ’em? Not because they are beautiful. It’s because of the excruciating pain you have to endeavor to get that hot imagery etched on the skin. No, I won’t being doing any tattoo (erm….?) but fantasizing about is undeniably orgasmic – sensational. .. Bondages? Well…I have a thing for leather. Horror novels? I crave them like I crave for something nutitional (erk?). Horror novels are the valve for me to harness that darker side in a ‘safer’ way. At least I don’t cut myself ..yet. It scares me sometime when I’m so into the plot written by Stephen King…..
Anyway, I’m not saying I’m having the split-personality or experience the borderline personality disorder syndrome. It just that by writing about what i feel deep inside here is some sort of a syphoning out and it helps to alleviate the turbulence. I have to say when my mother (jokingly or not?) said i have to see a psychiatrist, i was so scare. I couldn’t remember why she said that but it freaks me. Of course she’s not suggesting that I’m a lunatic; it’s just that she simply said if i were to have some psychological problem, then a psychiatrist is someone I should consider of seeing (doesn’t mean ur a crazy if u have a date with one, right?).
This explains why I adore Angelina Jolie. I dont like her just to get into the media-frenzy over Brangelina or because of her recent incadenscence beauty (she used to be this bee-stung LIPS Addams-Family lookalike gothic chick!!). I adore her because she is an ‘interrupted’ lady. Psychologically she’s being honest to herself; doing waht people may perceive as crazy or delusional. She embodies the spirits of thousand of people who experience the struggling of inner turbulences. You have to remember that "Sometimes the only way to stay sane is to go a little crazy." (tagline from the movie "Girl, Interrupted").
p/s : That’s why you can see a lot of my photos are rather provocative or controversial. I’m just alleviating my darker desire there..Just go a lil’ crazy to be sane.