Shahrill Ramli is one stubborn and compulsive childlike : The flaws that I have are potential threats in jeopardizing my relationships with people around me. It has become like a deadly paranoia that keeps creeping and crawling into the head, poisoning the mind with the worst assumptions. It takes a lot of patience and determination for someone to affiliate with me; let alone building an intimate one; to reach out to this disturbed soul.
Generally, Shahrill Ramli is a good person but is wild at heart put in cage : I put this childlike and naive persona but deep inside I am quite rotten. I am full of vengeance, defensive and self-emotionally-mutilation. Yet, I have compassion towards those who are in needs and downtrodden. The opportunity to carve a new beginning in someone’s else lives is quite attractive for me instead of pursuing the glamorous glitz of lives in the metropolitan world. I am also weird in sense that if I were to become emotionally attached to someone, I would become obsess and keep pestering the person and eventually it would ruin the relationship. It’s like the urge of domineering; which demands patience and unconditional love to tame the wild beast.
It is so often when I am alone, the darker side will come and trigger lots of unhealthy thoughts and compulsive intuitions. Only when I am with people, my childlike persona will unfolds and takes charge and people automatically assume that I am always that perky. Although I’d love to be surrounded by people and interact with them, I do prefer to be alone and recluse sometimes. I guess I am the classic case of being an ambivert.
That’s why, I treasure those who stand by me. It means a lot to me though I may not able to express the recognition verbally. Whatever I write here are pieces from my inner soul. I tend to realize I am the reflection of motto “Quod Me Nutrit Me Destruit- “What nourishes me also destroys me.” But someone brushed it off for me – “Right, so live with it forever!!!” Sounds harsh but just to remind me. Honestly, I am so scare because it is me. I am the living fraction of the motto. But I am willing to confine that alter-ego. If that what it takes to make it work. Insya Allah.