My heart sank. But Alhamdulillah I didn’t take the blow THAT hard because deep down I know it will happen. The secret plea I already made prior to all these seems to ring-fencing me like a halo. Could it be signs from Allah SWT; again? It is sad to know what should be sacred is meaningless and pointless. I am in no place of fooling around or being fooled around. It is difficult to say. Writing is all I have to alleviate the throbbing pain. I want to cry but no tears falling. Maybe because I already know that whatever it is; it is too good to be true.
I am not as strong as an acquaintance who already seems to accept the ill-fated of what-may-come of intimate life and simply savor the moment of the NOW. I am just not that. I need sense of guarantee. I need sense of being treasured forever. I don’t live for the NOW. I live for the FOREVER.
The signs are painful. But I thanked YOU for that. Allow me to think and ponder. Guide me. Please.
I am not shocked. But I am stunted. My current emotion now is like a stone thrown into the sea. Unfathomable. I can feel the dark days are coming back for me. But I know one thing. The genuine Miftahul Qulub won’t abandon me. I always have Your Faith in me.
But I cried when I heard lyrics from a song that cannot be named due to its religious connotation. I don’t want extremists or people who cannot think misinterpret me. Although the song is for THAT religion, but I associate the song with my religion. My Savior. My Light. My God SWT. I don’t know why but I am so sad hearing it and cried when it comes to this part.
“I’ve been alone when I am surrounded by friends
How could the silence be so loud. But still I go home knowing that I’ve got You. …
There’s only us when lights go down.
You are my Heaven on Earth
You are my last, my first.”