A simple blog to unleash what are embedded in the abyss of a childlike’s heart and to improve writing skill recorded 40, 357 times ‘peeping’ since the 27th May 2008. It is not aimed to be a hit blog. Just a platform to express myself. I’ve been busy lately and hardly had time to update the blog. Lately, a lot of things happened. Both emotionally and spiritually draining. But Alhamdulillah; Allah bless me with a lot of love. Some loves fades away but some loves bloom gracefully as time passes by. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdullilah. Alhamdulillah.
I was quite taken aback. I never raise voice. I never scream. I never yell. But my concern is taken as childish and shunned without any sensitivity because of “tiresome.” If it were somebody else, I would have retaliated back. But I just control my shock and angst. I don’t know what is wrong with everything lately. Is this God’s sign? I am confuse and humiliated. Because I never thought a person I treasure would lash harshly at me like that. It makes me think. Do all my sacrifices and efforts worth for all these?
The sudden angst was soothed by an Al-Quran recital from Abdullah Fahmi. I don’t want to make matter worsen. But I do have plan. Ya Allah. Please guide me. I was heartbroken when the sudden reaction was lashed out but to put myself to your solace was the best remedy. For this, I plea to You; again. Guide me. For a choice not to be led by hatred or anger. But by blessing and serenity. From You.
I am no pious. But as a fragile human, I seek solace from God when I am in trouble. Ya Allah.
Ya Allah. I am shaken. With my conscience and all the moral codes I hold tight as principles, my sensitivity radar becomes very delicate. I just watched “Toy Story 3” at The Mines just now when a line punched me hard – “I won’t give up to you till the end.” It just slapped me hard. Really hard.
I am old fashion and conservative when it comes to bonding and relationships. So, it left me petrified, stupefied, mortified (whatever you can name). My body becomes nervous and my heart thumping violently. My eyes watered and my instinct keeps telling –
“You want to put off a sacred bond just because of trivial thing? You must learn how to give and take. You have to bend your ego. It’s not about winning. It’s about respect and tolerating. Put off your ego.”
I istighfar-ed few times; trying to cool off my anxiety. Yes. I was angry and sad. But then, my conscience and moral codes I hold dear to my heart will not be justified if I were to simply give a silent treatment and break it off without any logical issue. After all, it has been a wonderful period although patience sometimes reaches the apex. It is true what people say. Human only think of God when they are in bad situation; in good, they just intoxicated with all the wonders. And I am of no different. Ya Allah. Ya Allah. Ya Allah.
To tell people, it’s impossible. They don’t entertain this kind of stuff. And they don’t understand. People may jeer and label with remarks contradicting the machismo narcissism. Nobody can comfort yourself better than yourself and seek solace from God.
I am old fashion and conservative. And I am compulsive emotional childlike with conscience and moral codes though sometimes I could be a shocking kinky cat. This is me.
Deras hujan yang turun
Mengingatkanku pada dirimu
Aku masih disini untuk setia
Selang waktu berganti
Aku tak tahu engkau dimana
Tapi aku mencoba untuk setia
Sesaat malam datang
Dan bila pagi datang
Kutahu kau tak disampingku
Aku masih disini untuk setia
Having a blog is the best therapy I could ever have. Irregardless whether there are feed backs or comments (or silent readers, which I know are many based on the searches via search engine), to siphon out what embedded in the deepest pit of the heart and beyond the childlike mind is consoling.
It is clear our priorities have changed. The mask that masquerade the inner-self began to unveil and first impressions do not always right. But it is alright. Experience make us wiser. And with all the eye-candies suddenly queuing up from no where, it’s quite enticing to notice that nobody is irreplaceable. Everyone is replaceable. I myself is replaceable. We all are replaceable. I guess when it comes to intimate relationship, I am quite old-fashion and conservative. But it is just one of the life phase everyone must go through. And if all the previous vermin thought they could crawl back to my life and poke needles onto the pillows after they read this, they are WRONG. The answer is Nay. I don’t give chances to vermin no more.
Angie’s quotes always coincides with my life. And this one quote really reflect the whole state :
“I am angry. I am sad. It was a real deep connection. So it’s not that simple to say this or that one thing caused the problems. It’s clear to me that our priorities shifted overnight.”
It is true. Our priorities shifted overnight.
Life is full of colors. There are the brighter tones and the darker tones. Both tones intertwine to embroider the canvas of life we all threading each day. For me, this is the time where the darker tones are surpassing against the brighter tones. And in the midst of this chaotic state, there are a lot of bees coming surrounding the saccharine honey. But with the Queen Of Bees who has the right over the honey pay NO HEED and don’t give a damn about that, is it a wrong thing for the other bees to raucously wanting to devour the honey?
Ask yourself. It’s just amazing to know how ungrateful people can be. Then again, when the precious one slips away, it maybe then too late. But of course, sometimes ego can cloud the mind and shun the affection.
This classic song by the late Teresa Teng (she also sings Indonesian & Japanese apart from Chinese. Go You-Tube her. You’ll be amazed!) really speaks my heart in volume. “The Moon Represents My Heart.” If only. *sigh* (.”)
Try listen to her song in the middle of cold silent night. You’ll be moved and touched.
Wedding occasions and I; we have issues. Not that I despise or loath wedding, it’s just I don’t really feel comfortable with the idea. The jubilant mirth of the atmosphere and crowd thronging like ants surrounding sugar; it just suffocates me. I am sorry if I sound so weird (maybe I am!) but it’s just not me. But a wedding invitation from a friend who never forget me (well, after this maybe will forget hehee) and always keep abreast with my well-being is just hard to be ignored. I always treasure people who treasure me.
So, planned with Firdaus Sulhi and Syahrir to Sungai Petani and met up with Muzem, Nizam, Riduan and a friend of theirs at Penjara Sungai Petani and off we go. Maybe because we arrived there late; the atmosphere was not really hectic. The venue was at a public field opposite the house estate’s surau. Syafiq seemed so occupied entertaining his relatives and shooting photographs. We met Faiz and Syukor @ KoKo (erk?????? Hahaha) and they were noisy lot meeting their tag team, Muzem (hahaha). So happened that Syafiq and his wife were in hurry to ‘escort’ the wife’s relatives that he had to move in seconds. In that rushing manner, we managed to take photograph with him and I became a bit emotional. Feel like I am losing my best friend. Of course, it’s a normal process but I do feel emotional with people who I feel attached. I guess this is the second wedding I nearly burst into tears- the first one was my sister’s.
After that, Syahrir, Firdaus and I went to Village Mall and just roamed around to see the mall. Had ice-creams at TESCO nearby and off we go back to Jitra. I wish “Happy Newly-Wed” to my best friend, Syafiq Ghause and his wife! (,”)
Anyway, thanks Sayzol (Suhaizul) for the “Karate Kid” treat at Jitra Mall. I love the film! I give 4.5 stars outta 5 stars! Jaden Smith is the new Will Smith! Emotion and action all delivered together with accurate punches!
Honestly. I shouldn’t be so gullible. My defense stooped low and crippled with fragility. It happens without any alarm. This is the problem for being a good-next door in nature person. Your conscience keeps you guarded like a Disturbia. For others, it maybe trivial. But not me. I don’t wanna be a murderer. Oh, my head is spinning and my stomach is tying knots I loath. Maybe, I just can’t sleep tonight.