In this world where looks play as first impression to captivate others, it can be depressing. Good looks are rated with the oozing of sex appeals as well as the charisma. The lesser could feel dwarved in this realm; especially if they have no confidence instilled.
(Left) in my 58 kg right after Eid 2013 when I was so enjoying food and (Right) in my 55 kg after Kampar Run in April 2014. I know that the babyfat isn’t that big but my highlighting point was the words thrown by strangers to me – “getting bigger, and fuller”, etc. But you learned that you don’t have to satisfy them. You only have to satisfy YOURSELF. (,”)
I have to confess that I am an ugly duckling. Not to say that I have become a swan; but it is in the inside that I feel I am now a swan and embracing my uniqueness. Growing up, I always felt like I wasn’t good enough; not good-looking enough; didn’t make heads turned and things like that. Yes, I was a mediocre cute but I wasn’t someone who exuded sex appeal. So the magnet wasn’t that strong. And then, teenager years. I was lucky for having good family and good peers surrounding – no pressure at all, but with zits popping up, sided-parting nerdy hair and my big spectacles to cover my eyes, the feeling of an ugly duckling was eminent.
Confided to my Mother who never fail to give soothing words. Yeah, I know it is funny to write this but it is what it is. I maybe considered as a ‘brainy’ in my neighbourhood, but on looks department, I was feeling a bit ugly. Then, came the matriculation year where I first had my first co-ed and other “all Malays” peers. Although I didn’t like matriculation year, but I discovered something about myself – that I did possess a magnet to some people & I wasn’t ugly at all. Appreciations from others boost the confidence and it built to university days.
Came working world – it was initially tough to make transition from the meek student to the working image. I learned to groom myself a bit; getting contact lenses (introduced by Kakak) and fixed my clothing attire and the colours. I have gone through some “smack-in-the-face” moment in the first months of working in The Bank; grilled by the Bank’s Corporate Image Consultant; but it instilled a great sense of embracing myself later on.
Now as I am about to reach 30 years old this coming 1st June (in less than a month!), the goal is not to maintain the youth as it is IMPOSSIBLE – but it is to be healthy and to be fit. My body weight fluctuated from 57-58 kg of which everyone was telling me that I’ve grown FAT; which surprised me because before this when I was a skeleton, people kept asking me TO EAT! In the end, I found out that you will never be able to satisfy people. They would keep perusing your body in microscopic surveillance and nothing good to say – so you better do what you are comfortable with!
In the end, I told myself that I wanna be fit and healthy and I wanna resume joining running activities – although not competitive. Of course I am lucky to be surrounded by athletic people who are so ever have the drive to do sports event; so I just keep on doing it for the sake of health. I have also been taking supplements to boost energy as getting back-and-fro to UPM and working really demanding; I have also cut some of my beloved night-eating routines and my delicious seafood and my school breakfast, my 10 0’clock meals and my lunch meals! Hhahahaa!
The expectation to be in size zero. Why would you do for strangers’ criticism? Do it for yourself, but for health. In a healthy way.
So now with 55 kilograms, I wanna stay healthy. It could fluctuate but whatever it is, the key is to man the body just because you want to; not due to other people’s pressure or simply because you wanna be accepted.
As at 2nd May 2014; less than a month before I reach 30 years old. Yes, the battle to combat the society’s pressure is on-going, but at least do it for our own selves; not for some strangers who keep criticizing our bodies. We choose what we want. We own our own bodies. But its all for health. Amin.
Yes, society could be very mean and harsh and put certain bars for us to look “perfect” and those who fail to reach that bar are ridiculed. Like Beyonce’s song “Pretty Hurts” written by Sia Furler – “It’s the soul that needs the surgery.” If you do it just to please others, you have to ask yourself – “Are you happy?” This song is very deep as it fathomed Beyonce’s own experience as a child singer who always expected to look in good shape and perfect. It could be very stressful. In the video clip, she crashed all the singing trophies she got from her “starving days” and she owns the self. Of course, the pressure is still there but at least you are doing for yourself and health; not others.
Pretty hurts, shining lights on whatever’s worse,
Perfection is a disease of a nation,
It’s the soul that needs a surgery.