Tonight is the 3rd Raya 2015. My Eid this year is mundane and bleak. Not very much on Kakak’s family in Leeds but it’s all rooted within me, myself and I. Seemed like the condition I’ve updated in the previous entry is somewhat remains the same, or possibly worse. I am sad but I can’t really say it out loud without prejudices or skepticism. So, I resort to what I do best – writing.
My 1st Raya. Recycled from my 2007 pink Baju Melayu Johore. The first Baju raya I bought with my own salary – while working at AFFIN Bank & AFFIN Islamic Bank Bhd.
My 2nd Raya. Recycled from my last year’s Umrah blue-olive green robe. A gift from you, I treasure.
My 3rd Raya. Recycled from my last year’s Chinese-buttoned green-coloured Baju Melayu.
My 4th Raya. Recycled from my 2010 turquoise-coloured Baju Melayu.
It is heart-wrenching when I only once awhile get the updates of the well-being via telephone. The problem is the demon within yourself that dominates the mind and consuming your health, and nobody could help but you alone. I feel reckless and restless here in Jitra. My body is here but my mind is somewhere else and belongs to you there. But I won’t show you that I am crippled. I have to be strong for you. When I think about others who might suffer worse than I am; never had chance to experience beautiful love; or are having excruciating pain like victims of Kelantan Big Flood or MH370 & MH17, I am motivated and become stronger. We can both go through this, Insya ALLAH.
Perhaps we will try set up date for another session with Islamic approach. But I am adamant to do psychiatric approach as well. I just called a Psychiatric clinic window of a public hospital in KL just now. The clinic is closed for Raya holidays for now but will resume operation circa 21st July. I will do a follow-up. We must fight this.
I believe in God’s power. When we Tawakallah; when we submit all our hopes fully to be destined, God SWT will show the way. What I do now, is a reflection of the kindness and love shown to me when nobody saw me. I am not going to desert you. Even if I travel thousand miles to achieve my dreams, I am with you.
I always feel related to Angie’s fearless spirit but in this particular episode in my life, I I feel connected to Siti Nurhaliza’s humble experience when the husband, Datuk K met an accident in New Zealand. I like the spirit and I want and is now emulating her spirit. An article in Utusan Malaysia dated 16th July 2013 about her strengthen my vow :-
“Kita selalu bercakap tentang cinta dan sayang. Bagaimanakah bendanya? Inilah dia makna cinta dan kasih sayang yang sebenar. Apabila insan yang kita sayang jatuh sakit atau ditimpa bencana, di situlah ujian kasih sayang kita yang sebenarnya. Jika sihat dia boleh menjaga kita dengan baik, pada ketika dia sakit inilah, pengorbanan kita diperlukan. Saya tidak anggap kejadian kemalangan suami sebagai dugaan, tetapi ujian kesetiaan yang mengeratkan lagi kasih sayang kami.”
Siti Nurhaliza became overwhelmed when she talked about the pain when her husband Datuk K met with an accident. I can relate to it (REFER to https://undomiel84.wordpress.com/2014/09/07/28th-july-2011-tuhan-jaga-dia-untukku/ & https://undomiel84.wordpress.com/2014/09/20/my-promise-pusat-rawatan-islam-as-syifa-bandar-baru-bangi-seksyen-15/)