I think I can go crazy just thinking about this. I can’t stop thinking about it. And what is worse, i can’t really connect that with anyone else. It is painful; and it hurts seeing the old pictures and I couldn’t bring myself seeing the latest picture WhatsApp-ed to me yesterday. The face lost its radiance.
Throughout the 5 years, every night I will receive calls asking about my whereabouts and my well being. My unanswered calls will be replied later on; with gentle voice although the physical is intimidating, for those who don’t know. And now, it is hard; even to hear the voice.
I am crying vehemently on the attic here in Jitra, trying to hush the sobs so that my parents won’t hear. But I can’t help. Now I am feeling very weak. I feel like the devils are whispering all these thoughts and imaginations. What if the ending of this is death? Even if it is not death; will that jeopardize the focus at working place? All the healthy activities (running, trailing) we are fond of?
So many things in my mind. What if the plan with my Master’s Degree friends is a success and I have to be away from Malaysia for 3 month starting September-December? What if I get offer to study abroad for PhD; will I have the heart to leave someone who already have shown me extreme kindness for these 5 years, alone? What if these whole ‘anxiety-depression-mystical-lethargic’ has something to do with inherited ‘Saka’?
God, help us. It hurts inside. It really does hurt.