I am always an expressive person. And my blog is my solace for that. I have to say that lately I am not happy. And the recent economic turmoil does not do justice to that as well (have you heard about the volatility of China’s Yuan and affecting the oil price – Malaysia is highly dependent on oil, hence; the economic turmoil?)
My dream. Hopefully by the end of 2016. Could it be? I don’t know. So sad if I could not materialize it.
Anyway, the new session for school 2016 reopens last week. This year, I am the class teacher for 5 Bayu. On the facade, I am seemingly the energetic teacher full of enthusiasm in class and school – but in the inside, I am not happy. The passion in becoming the primary school teacher has lost its appeal. In fact, I dread of going to school. Of course as a Moslem and responsible teacher, once in the class, I have to feign my perkiness and force myself to be so enthusiastic in teaching the kids. But the real heart is no more. One week passes, and I don’t feel I belong there, anymore.
“2016 will be challenging year.” Great! Urgh!!!!
But to add the salt to the wound, the recent uncertainties in Malaysian politics as well as economics are potentially to jeopardize my dream to further my PhD. No, I don’t want to do it part time. I want to do it full time, under the scholarship of a university; and then come back and serve the university as the lecturer. Nevertheless it seems that all the universities are running out of capital due to the budget-cutting from the Government and today I read in the newspaper that Prime Minister Datuk Najib Razak reportedly want to “calibrate our 2016 Budget” and “2016 would be a challenging year”! My heart just dropped.
I have to wait until I obtain the result of my 4th semester and then to get my whole CGPA for Master’s Degree before I engineer the plan to further study. Nevertheless it wouldn’t hurt to do a little bit of survey prior to that, no? So, I have been sending a few e-mails to potential universities such as :-
- UPM : On the Tenaga Akademik Muda (TAM). So far the reply was encouraging and seemed like there is a glimmer of light. Nevertheless a few of my friends who are working in UPM said that TAM is the worst position one could ever applied as there will be no guarantee that you are going to nail job because there will be no “bonding”. What if the faculty does not interested to offer you the job once you are back? Sure you study for 4 years but…? Nevertheless, I am not going to let this opportunity slips away. I guess I will try my luck for this. Who knows? ;
- UKM : Fellowship Scheme. I got the reply saying that they prioritize the first degree’s CGPA. I asked the person in charge if it is matter that my first degree wasn’t in Communication as I did Microbiology (and clearly it was not 3.75!). But, no reply was given. But of course, I will try to hit this dart as well; as much as the hope is fade ;
- USM : RLKA scheme. Unfortunately, my former alma mater says that they do not need anyone right now. So sad. I even dreamed of being attached with USM. Dream crushed! Huhuhu… ;
- USIM : Fellowship Scheme. Seems like another glimmer of hope. I guess I will try my luck for this. Insya ALLAH.
- IIUM : Unfortunately, no reply whatsoever. It is ashamed because I really like to explore the Islamic side of Communication (This entry is the testament : REFER to https://undomiel84.wordpress.com/2014/11/23/a-thought-fr-masters-degree-mini-project-islamic-communications-an-uncharted-waters/). And to add extra salt to the wound was a statement from my Penang Free School friend, Tamilchelvan who is now in Denmark pursuing his doctoral degree (I am so jealous) under IIUM saying that IIUM is stopping any new intake of fellowship! Bummer. Ergh! ;
- UUM : The programme coordinator replied that there is no vacancy as the budget is limited due to the recent economic turmoil. But I did make an effort to call one of the officers in faculty and he told me that tutor is the only way to gain scholarship. But now, I am confused whether there is an opening or not. Still, this is another option I will try to cast my net at.
I haven’t tried UITM although I know that its Communication faculty is known to be the top-notched in Malaysia. Like I wrote 2 years ago; I had bad first impression with UITM which forced me to choose UPM over UITM (REFER to https://undomiel84.wordpress.com/2013/12/21/master-of-mass-communication-episode-1-mind-your-language-uitm-shah-alam/). Nevertheless, thing could be different, no? hence, I will try UITM as well as my alternative option.
On top of all these lukewarm responses, I also know that the transition will not be a bed of roses for me if, let say, I get the tutor / fellowship / TAM schemes. Here as a teacher in the government line being dubbed as secured cocoon with many eyes prying to enter the government line as it is deemed as comfortable, I am bound to the acts of Public Servant. And that means, exiting the system will have to undergo a few procedures. Some of my friends gave opinions that I should apply Hadiah Latihan Persekutuan (HLP) but I found that HLP for teachers only restricted for education-related subjects and I AM NOT GOING TO DO EDUCATION. But there were friends saying that I can apply for non-education subjects. Besides that, some suggested I applied Cuti Tanpa Gaji but when I checked, Cuti Tanpa Gaji is only applicable no more than 360 days! All these are headaches and I’ve asked Kakak’s help, though (pity her; she has enough on her plate).
Other than that, I also need to think about my housing loan which is on the token of a government’s loan. If all these transition materialized, I need to change it to Bank’s loan.
On whole, to achieve my dream is like plucking a thorn from my flesh. It hurts but once it’s done, sure it is therapeutic. I have to confess that I am scare and nervous of all these uncertainties but I would live in regret if I do not do anything and submitting myself to succumb and rot forever in where I am now. I think it is not right to be a teacher with no passion anymore. Yes, I can feign my enthusiasm and give the class my best but all these are no more rooted from my passion. Unfortunately now, I feel suffocated if I would remain as a primary school teacher. Sigh.
Tamil, my friend from Penang Free School who is now in Denmark pursuing his doctoral degree under IIUM told me that IIUM already froze the SLAB / SLAI scheme due to deficiency of fund. Urgh!! Bummer!
I love being a teacher. I love to teach. I love imparting knowledge. But I dislike the fact that I have to remain in this position when I know I have something more to give to the world. I have more potential to offer than to remain in the school cocoon. I am not saying about other people (who knows some spin doctors read this and spin my stories, right?). It is about me. After all, this is my MY blog. Once I am committed for Master’s Degree, I know that my aim is to be a lecturer in Communication. Some friends suggest me to move to PPD or all the education-related higher hierarchy. They don’t understand me. My goal is not to heighten my position in the office administration. My goal is to be a Communication lecturer in public university. I want to do research as well as to teach.
Remember “Blossom”? Yeah, my sister and I used to watch this 90s show. Now she is Dr. Mayim Bialik! OK, I may now deviated from my Microbiology origin but I am determined to get a doctoral degree in Communication. Gosh, I want it so bad! It’s like an obsession!
And all I can do now is pray. The road may filled with poison ivy, but I am willing to go into that wood. Amin. God bless.