I am literally at my low point in life now. I am losing the spark of passion for my career as a teacher and my personal life is crumbling. Everyday is a dread to school and the only thing that carries me on is the innocent faces of my pupils. But the most affecting thing is my personal life.
It has been more than 6 months since the drastic changes in our lives and it has been nearly a month since we are distancing ourselves away. Someone decides to be a hermit due to the HEALTH REASON (not a third party) and refuse to communicate and I don’t want to be the only one who is making all the efforts. I feel that I am the “terhegeh-hegeh” one when actually all are done out of conscience that I do not want to be the one who betray the sanctity of the relationship. The other party decides to be a stone-cold when I have tried to reach out. It is really frustrating and I do feel the void in my life. Hence, I have been hanging out a lot with my family members lately and that serves as decoy.
But today, I have decided an ultimatum. I feel that it is unfair for me to be kept hanging alone without any certainty. My problem is that I tend to hung up with the hope. I care for the 6 years old relationship built. I care for all the nostalgic life-ladder climbing. But it seems that someone thought that to keep silent is the best way to solve these – perhaps with the intention of that “I don’t wanna burden you with my problem”. But I am not like that. I feel that if we have problem, we should communicate it. Make the problem known instead of repressing it. EXPRESS IT. Unfortunately, this is not the case.
So, I decided to shun and block all of our communication modes. If there is an ounce of sincerity in that heart, love will find its way. If there is no reaching out, that means the other party wants to quit. With this limbo and emotionally-fluctuated state, I begin to feel that my past promiscuity is haunting me again. The urge to experiment begins to dominate. I am not sure whether it is to get my mojo or groove back; or whether it is just for escapism. I even started to concoct certain plans or rendezvouses for possible flings and “no-strings-attached” affairs – don’t ask how; all I can say, there are many red-blooded meat wanting to devour you for one night stands; at fingertips!
UNTIL, when I accidentally switched on to ASTRO Oasis’s “Beyond Translation” by Mizz Nina (after watching Quantico) at 11.15 p.m. The programme explores about Mizz Nina who travelled the globe seeking the Islamic knowledge – and in this particular episode, she was having Usrah and Halaqah with Ustaz Ali Nouman Khan. My heart stopped when I watched Mizz Nina crying about how she regretted for spending her 30 years of life on the hedonistic lifestyles and music and that she could memorize all the lyrics but not the Quran. She talked about how she filled the void by getting herself close to Islam and ALLAH SWT.
Mizz Nina with Ustaz Ali Nouman Khan.
I was stunned. Here I am trying to fill my void with some possible sexual escapades when I could have opted for a better option? I have emancipated myself away from the past promiscuity and I am deliberating myself to be sucked in, back? Instantaneously, I feel ashamed and I cried. I prayed and I cried. I watched Mizz Nina crying and I cried. I felt that God SWT purposely wanted me to see this as a gentle reminder of the path I should take. I have been putting so much hopes on a human that when the frail human fails to exist as a stabilizer in my life, my shield begins to crumble.
Masya ALLAH. You are such an inspiration, Mizz Nina. I wish I could be Istiqamah. Now that I am at low point of my life, the past hedonistic life is haunting me back.
I am just a human. Frail and fragile human with so many flaws. I am not perfect. I am not a saint. I am not innocent. But I am still a good person at heart and I feel this is like a gentle reminder from God. Mizz Nina certainly has inspires me to become a better person. I hope that my shield is strong and I won’t be goaded back to my past promiscuity. God bless.
Amin. Can I sustain myself from the hedonistic past?