I am trembling, shaken. The volcano within me erupted but the lava of anger is unable to be transpired, hence the eyes began to water. Yes, I cried just now at the car. Just because I felt so tired and feeling so stupid; like someone who has no value; tossed and flipped on a whim! I also feel dejected. It’s like I have to continuously put that plastic innocent facade to curry favour the system in order to make things work – though my dignity is abused – and I am tired of it. But because I cannot do anything but to play with the cards orchestrated by the system, I am suffocated and depressed.
So being a teacher, we have this school’s year-end holidays. While most of my colleagues are enjoying their happy days, I am busy burying myself with my PhD affair. Before the big date (my Proposal Defence!) which is on the 15th December 2017, I have slotted two meetings prior to the Proposal Defence :-
- 6th December – my 2nd Committee Members meeting with 3 of my supervisors;
- 7th December – my final tete-a-tete with Supervisor before Proposal Defence as he will be having long end-of-year leave until 29th December.
Unfortunately, BOTH meetings were cancelled due to electrical fiasco at the faculty’s main block! I am sad because it is NOT EASY to secure a date where the 3 of lecturers could sit down together as I have to check and recheck their timetable to fit the slot for Committee Members Meeting (6th December). My Supervisor told me that I have to do it at least once in every semester just to secure the status of “MENGUASAI” (Pass). I could not do the meeting before school holidays because I was SO OCCUPIED with my school’s tasks as the Treasurer (we had the Charity Carnival) and many more clerical stuffs (Class Teacher, The Asset Officer, The NUTP Representative) which make it so IMPOSSIBLE for me to slot the time! And school seems to not care about it; keep choosing me for tasks that really demand high commitment. I am very angry and sad with my school’s administration.
Volcano eruption of anger. But it cannot be transpired. Hence, the emotion turns into dejection and depression.
But then, I accepted it as “OK, whatever” fate. The Supervisor’s PA told me that the slotted appointments for 7th December and 8th December would be as usual as she expected that the electrical fiasco could be fixed within a day (on the 6th December). So with that mission to meet my Supervisor BEFORE my dreading Proposal Defence, I drove from Batang Kali with full enthusiasm at 8 a.m. so that I could make it to UPM by 11 a.m.!
Clock struck 11 a.m., I was already at the front door of the office but it was dark. So, I called my Supervisor’s PA and she told me that the meeting was cancelled as the electrical fiasco is still unsolved and my Supervisor wanted to focus on his work so all meetings are cancelled today! She tried to call me but proved to no avail and she sent me WhatsApps. I was shocked as I didn’t receive anything. And true enough, I received the WhatsApps after I refreshed the connection – it was all MAXIS. I was stunned and SAD! Simply because tomorrow Friday (8th December) would be my Supervisor’s LAST DAY before he departures for his long leaves and the PA told me that his schedule is VERY TIGHT tomorrow and there is no way she could squeeze me in within the hectic schedule! On whole, I AM NOT GOING TO MEET HIM OR HAVING PROFESSIONAL OPINIONS OF MY COMMITTEE MEMBERS PRIOR TO MY PROPOSAL DEFENCE!!
And to add the salt to the wound, these emotions of feeling unworthy and disgraced are possessing my mind now.
I don’t know. I feel so sad. I guess these are major blows to my head because :-
- I feel worthless ;
- My CGPA will be marred as if I don’t do the Committee Members Meeting by getting “TIDAK MENGUASAI” (Failed) – (I am quite a Go-Getter person. A Kiasu, more like!); and;
- I am also scared that I will be grilled by the Proposal Defence’s panelists as I could not get my Committee Members and Supervisor’s professional opinion before the Proposal Defence session.
I need to psyche my own mind; away from this dejection blues.
I cannot hide my feeling. I almost burst to tears when I called Kakak just now. But I also trying to reverse my mind now. I want to put my focus towards my Qualitative Research class’s presentation at 3 p.m. today. We have to present a Qualitative Proposal and are allowed to present our Master’s Degree/PhD topic. So, I wanna make this as my “warming up session” of presenting my proposal before the next week’s real deal on the 15th December 2017. Maybe I can take note what my Qualitative Research lecturer has to say or comment on my slides. At least, I will be getting some professional opinions there. Sigh.
I have to be that persistent Kiasu! I have to be that shameless, thick-faced if I want to soar high!
By etching this episode, I hope if I ever had the opportunity to achieve my doctorate one day, I would be able to smile reading what I have experienced in order to hold that academic recognition and said – “I’ve made it”. It’s still a long way but whether I am crying blood or gunned down over and over again, I must not falter. I am a survivor.”
This quote by Scarlett O’Hara (played by Vivien Leigh) has forever stuck in my mind on the first time I have watched it. And today’s event has resonates the quote even louder in my life, now. Like Scarlett, I vow this. I will do whatever it takes to achieve my dream. God bless.
A letter to Shahrill Ramli, by Shahrill Ramli; 7th December 2017 (3rd Semester of #ShahrillsRoadToPhD). Amin.
The scene where Scarlett vowed to do whatever it takes to achieve her dreams. I am her. I will be that. And willing to be that. Even if it means I have to don this plastic masquerade. God as my witness.