It is 4.08 a.m. As I am listening to the classic orchestra music in Radio OPUS during these wee hours, I am jotting this blog entry – hoping it will reawaken the academic mood that went dimmed as I diverted my focus to the school workloads. And then, there was this one week school holiday which I actually could have used it usefully to amend the article based on the Reviewer’s comment and resume the Chapter 5 of the thesis – but I did not. I guess I actually used the whole week to “mourn” the closure of my “affinity” towards someone I regarded as beacon of my inspiration/motivation in threading this whole funny business of being an aspirant in the world of academia.
Come on! This was just a wet t-shirt. I have done more than this – though not for public eyes to see since I am government civilian! LOL! But jokes aside; it felt great and I could hear Taylor Swift’s song “Clean” in my head as I felt the rain. I am cleaning myself away from You.
I guess it was a God-sent revelation; Usually after my prayers, I often asked that God will soften this person’s heart or let this infatuation / obsession feeling cease to exist from my heart. I did this until last Friday – when I decided to once again, defy my own stance of distancing myself; by peeping over this person’s second social media account; to alleviate my curiosity. And then, I saw an unscathed, nonchalant, happy life. And in that moment, I finally realized that my absence was insignificant – my “reaching-out” messages, the farewell gift (book) I’ve sent – were meaningless. Instantaneously, I felt like a very stupid person as for months, I’ve been having that tug-o-war in my heart. I unfollowed the person and never again wanting to have any access in the social media no more. And so, like what I wrote in my Instagram, too; I’ve decided to do the spontaneous thing – I drenched myself wet under the heavy rain – and as I looked up the sky feeling the drops of the Heavenly Pearls on my face – Taylor Swift’s song “Clean” resonated in my head. It was like a reborn metaphor, I would say:-
The drought was the very worst,
When the flowers that we’d grown together died of thirst.
It was months and months of back and forth,
You’re still all over me,
Like a wine-stained dress I can’t wear anymore…
Hung my head as I lost the war,
And the sky turned black like a perfect storm!
Rain came pouring down,
When I was drowning, that’s when I could finally breathe…
And by morning,
Gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean.
There was nothing left to do.
When the butterflies turned to dust that covered my whole room.
So I punched a hole in the roof,
Let the flood carry away all my pictures of you.
The water filled my lungs, I screamed so loud,
But no one heard a thing….!
;- to clean myself from the shadow of the memory. I’ve decided to give up on that hope. Let it buried now although I do appreciate the things I was introduced throughout this phase. I was introduced to Rene Descartes, Imam Al-Ghazali’s writing and the gem of all, the interesting world of Jalaluddin Rumi and Shams al-Tabrizi. Well, I guess at least all is not lost. So, to cut the story short; I now no more pray that God to soften this person’s heart – I now ONLY pray that this infatuation will cease to exist and I am going to be serious about it from now on. I guess because before this, I had that glimmer of hope that maybe this person would want to rekindle and all – and I had this fantasy that maybe this was done “for the greater good.” Well, no matter whatever is the real motive; I guess I am hurt by that. And I have lowered my ego as a decent human to communicate – maybe because I thought this person was special; for the intelligence, the charisma, the humility – BUT to receive cold treatment; I guess it is time to wake up from the slumber! To be Sober! Yeah, I don’t wanna be like the crazy Glenn Close in “Fatal Attraction” (Haha!). Yes, I am hurt and Goddammit; I am hurt by that – but I heal my own wound, like usual. I will be OK, soon.
Rene Descartes. Famous for his “Cogito, ergo sum” (I Think, Therefore I Am).
Imam Al-Ghazali. I was introduced to “Wonders of the Heart” which is a part from his famous Ihya Ulumuddin. I cherish that.
Jalaluddin Rumi. Although he lived way before my time, his words are mirrors to my heart. Amazing!
It was said that Shams Tabrizi was the inspiration of Rumi’s philosophical prowess. But the story between them was quite tragic.
So apart from the academic article that would be published by the end of this year, I am also trying to work on the article I’ve mentioned before which takes already like more than 9 months of back-and-forth. Besides the mundane academic trivia, I have also published 3 non-academic articles, one opinion letter and being mentioned in a PhD-related news. Yeah, not really an extravagant achievement but I always remember Kakak told me that “every achievement is AN ACHIEVEMENT” so I think I deserve to give myself some sense of recognition, no? I remember that I actually ended the article I wrote in USM February circulation with the quote I read from Imam al-Ghazali’s “Wonders of the Heart” which was actually the book that was proposed to me by that very person. Well, it is what it is; – or now, it was what it was, no?
(1) My article for Universiti Sains Malaysia (USM) February circulation.
(2) My The Star Newspaper first article – my Umrah journey with Mak in conjunction to Aidiladha.
(3) My The Star Newspaper second article – on my cat, Duchess.
(4) My Opinion Letter on the DidikTV fiasco.
(5) I was featured along with my two UPM contestants on the “3 Minutes Thesis”. Yeah, it was short-lived glorious moment. But for an amateur like me; having my face featured in such big graphic was (and still) an orgasmic experience. So, just bear with it, OK? Haha!
Hopefully, this simple jot will arouse back that dormant academia’s spirit! I can actually hear the garbage truck and the workers doing their work now as at 4.50 a.m. today from outside. I admire their working attitude. I should be thankful for having a stable job now especially during this trying time of COVID-19 pandemic. So many things to be thankful; yet being human, so many things to be sulked and lamented, no? Well, to err is human. And being me, I am always like the Shakespeare’s Hamlet :- “To thine own self be true.” It is me. Always me. I am always true to my heart. True to myself.