Turning into A Legitimate 38 Years Old : A Beauty in Simplicity @ “Bersederhana.”

It has been almost a month now that I am a legit 38 years old! Well, 2 more years prior to reaching to the golden age of 40 years old! Haha! At this juncture, I can feel the difference in me, in a positive way. I have been sober for more than 2 years now – sober? From what? Ooops – I cannot express everything candidly here, no? LOL! Let’s just say – from something that is addictive. And I’ve noticed I have become more mellow, more spiritually-inclined and that I am seeing my life through Heaven’s Eyes – in its truest sense.

The face changes within the life span of 10 years. God is Great, isn’t it? But honestly I am looking forward to age gracefully. To become wiser and to experience this life. Amin. 

Alhamdulillah, the sit-together session with my supervisors on the 8th June 2022 was a fruitful one. I take note on all their constructive comments and it is amazing to have their feedback and the angles of their perspectives. Thank you so much for all the guidance! I still need to add certain points to strengthen the thesis but on whole, I was relieved that they agreed to let me proceed with the Borang 14a – Notice of Thesis Submission. My plate also is quite full with school workloads. After putting it on halt, I finally make an attempt to do a Research Action (after seeing so many colleagues doing it! Haha!). On top of that, this year I am entrusted to handle the Essay Competition – I am hoping that my pupil will make it at least for the Hulu Selangor top spots – based on the insights I have garnered when I was appointed as one of the judges last year. 

My Main Supervisor Prof. Dato’ Dr. Abdul Muati and my Co-Supervisor, Prof. Madya Dr. Hamisah. Thanks so much for spending time from the busy schedules. I appreciate the constructive comments immensely! However, Prof. Madya Dr. Moniza couldn’t make it as she had to travel to Istanbul for working trip. 

My proposed thesis abstract. Hope everything is OK. And the submission of Borang 14a Notice of Thesis Submission while perusing pupils’ submission for Essay Competition. Life as a student who works full-time! 

I think at the age of 38 years old, metamorphosis is inevitable. Perhaps it is because of the age; perhaps it is because of the PhD journey; perhaps it is because of the life experience. My senses are becoming sharper than ever. But the crusade is far from over. I still need to train myself to become less emotional. I realize that I am easily jealous when it comes to people I like or with some sort of soft spots. And that will ruin my mood for the day! So this year, I am training myself to practice Wasatiyah or Moderation. Whatever I do or feel, everything must be bound to “Bersederhana.” After all, there is a beauty in simplicity.

My article about my father in The Star early this June 2022. 

Happy 38th birthday, Shahrill Ramli! You are a diamond in the rough – so treasure the pressure. Amin YRA.

Shahrill Ramli at the age of 38 years old. I hope ALLAH SWT will give me chance to savour this life to ripe age after experiencing the joys and colours of Joie de Vivre.

Asking Myself in the Water : Where Do I Go From Here? @ A Moment of Pensive – Perspectives on Retrospective and Prospective of My Life Strategic Plan.

I am given 2 days of MC. I feel the piercing of the ulcer underneath of my tongue and my throat reddens. Perhaps these were aggravated by the tiresome duties tasked upon me for yesterday’s Teachers’ Day and Eid Celebration 2022 – as the Ketua AJK Kantin and the all-time favourite duty, the emcee for the stage performance. I have no complaint whatsoever on the duties – part and parcel of my job as a teacher.

My 12th years now as a teacher. The transition from a short-stint banker to teacher was a horizon expanding. Will I jump to another field after this? God’s secret but I am excited to uncover the possibility of the future. 

But being in this somewhat somber state of health ignited a pensive mood. This year is my 12th years as a primary school teacher. People outside of school cocoon assume that bagging administrative roles in school such as Guru Penolong Kanan Pentadbiran, Kokurikulum, Hal Ehwal Murid and even Headmaster as the zenith of glorious in the career as a Malaysian teacher. Tell the truth, I still don’t find these posts enticing – much respect to those who have the passion and do their tasks in the respected positions tremendously – BUT I have to say that, I am quite materialistic. I don’t find the merely RM200-RM300 allowance to hold such posts to compensate the burden / responsibility I am about to shoulder as enticing. I once asked a senior teacher colleague what would motivate a teacher to apply for these posts as the allowances are considerably unworthy. She said it was for the honour, the privilege and that sense of accomplishment in your career (despite for the mediocre money!). I respected her honest answer. So, there you go. So far, that is my sentiment but who knows in the future? Wallahua’lam.

My Master’s Degree. Will I be able to secure that doctorate in Human Communication? Amin. 

With my Master’s Degree buddies. I miss them – Najmi, Ereen, Kak Bed, Bad and Hilya. We bonded when we were assigned to Integrated Marketing Communication project when we presented on the case of Tiger Woods’ scandal marred his NIKE endorsement. As well as the Advanced Public Relation’s project where they suggested my name as the moderator for the session (Thanks so much for the experience!). The journey was great although I was the odd one – a teacher – whereas most of them were communication practitioners by profession! PhD is a different journey and a lonely crusade – you are on your own. But I cherished my days with them. Miss you guys. Huhu. 

And I am also waiting for my supervisors to give me greenlight (I hope so!) so that I can proceed for the formal submission of thesis – we are going to sit down together for the serious discussion on the slated 8th of June. Honestly, I am nervous. I hope that my supervisors are satisfied with my analyses. By hook and crook, I have to slither my way to get my doctorate by this year. So, let say if everything goes well; what is the plan? Initially when I started my Master’s Degree, I already knew I was ready to trade off the career as a teacher to become lecturer – and in that sense, I have to continue the study until PhD. But along the way, I found that the road ain’t going to be rosy as my projected strategic plan. With so many PhD holders now and the tight budget, universities are becoming selective in hiring newbies as lecturers. And what’s more I just found out that one of the MQA rules to become a lecturer in a subject is that your degree MUST be equivalent to your Master’s Degree and PhD – another minus point for me as I had a degree in Microbiology before proceeded with Master in Corporate Communication and now doing PhD in Human Communication! I have to say that when I discovered this along the way, I became demotivated and lost the enthusiasm but eventually, I picked myself up.

Tawakallah. I am a firm believer in that. I am not as patient as Nabi Ayub a.s. But I believe in ALLAH SWT. Amin. The power of Doa. 

Now that the strategic plan is almost impossible; I am focusing on securing the doctorate first. After that, I would try find my luck in institutions outside of the school cocoons such as IPGs (although at this juncture, I am not keen on that. Still looking forward to apply a post in public university!) or Ministry-related bodies. Easier said that done – I have to trade off my sweet time sipping coffee in Genting Highlands after school but I guess in order to get something, I have to let go something, too. I will try my luck by simply applying any vacancy or open posts – in fact, I have been applying now although obviously it is a FAT CHANCE to get the posts since I still do not have my PhD and I know the evaluators will filter, skim and scan all the candidates by using PhD qualification as the main parameter. Still, I’ve gotta fight before calling it white flag, no? In the meantime while waiting for the luck; I guess I will also start applying my way out from SK Serendah. Possibly other school in Hulu Selangor. Too long in the school make me feel so safe but sheltered. Furthermore with the possibility of being “redeployed”, I need to set my mental that it is time to bid good bye to the school. But of course, I hope that everything will happen AFTER I secure my doctorate because to begin at new school means I have to face new people with unknown politics or culture of organization. It will take time to figure out who’s who and all.

At 38 years old; well, in another 2 weeks I am about to be legally 38 years old. Yikes! Haha, I know! Yeah, I am well aware that people are curious about my personal life – who I go out with; who I f**k with (lol!), who is my confidant, etc. Well, Let just say for the past 2 years, I am now a subdued tame cat. And I hope to remain as such. But honestly, I am looking forward to grow older, to be wiser. Lillahi Taala. 

Whatever it is, “Men plan, God decide.” I put my faith in God. Tawakallah. Insya ALLAH, everything has its own time. I am a firm believer in Doa. I believe everything that comes my way is a test of my Sabr. My unchartered journey is still long ahead. I believe ALLAH SWT has something for me, as a reward of my Jihad. Amin YRA. Anyway, have y’all heard Christina Aguilera’s “Loyal, Brave, True”? The theme song for 2020 remake of Mulan really resonates what I feel inside:-

War is not freedom,
Over my shoulder,
I see a clearer view.
All for my family,
Reason I’m breathing,
Everything to lose.
Should I ask myself in the water?
What a warrior would do?
Tell me, underneath my armor,
Am I loyal, brave and true?
Am I loyal, brave and true?
Losing is easy,
Winning takes bravery,
I am a tiger’s fool.
Out in the open,
No one to save me,
The kindest of whispers are cruel.
Should I ask myself in the water?
What a warrior would do?
Tell me, underneath my armor,
Am I loyal, brave and true?
Am I loyal, brave and true?
Cold is the morning….
Warm is the dream…
Chasing the answers….
‘Till I can’t sleep.
Will I be stronger?
Or will I be weak?
When you’re not with me?
Who am I without my armor?
Standing in my father’s shoes
All I know is that it’s harder,
To be loyal, brave and true…

2022, The Year of Peace @ A Truce with My Destined Course of Life.

It is 19th Ramadhan 2022. 21st April 2022. We are 4 months now in the year 2022. This is my first blog entry for this year. I know! I used to be very attentive in documenting whatever happened or whatever I feel but I guess age is catching up! Haha! Still, it is good to jot something to reminisce in the upcoming future. What happens in my life now at the age of 38 years old? Alhamdulillah, I am in the most peaceful point in my life now. Mentally, physically and spiritually.

A novice article but do read and cite my article! Haha!

Mentally, my mind is quite in peace now as I’ve already submitted the draft of my thesis for my supervisors to peruse and after Eid 2022, they are going to deliberate whether my thesis is eligible to be formally submitted – or not. Of course, I dread and nervous with their comments and there is also that uncertainty whether my analysis is on par with the ‘scholarly standard of a PhD candidate.’ Still, I am looking forward for their feedback. I also managed to publish another academic article after going through the upcoming ups-and-downs of the process since 2020. You guys can check the SEARCH Communication journal entitled “The Aristotelian Ethos of Muhyiddin Yassin’s Prihatin (Care) Economic Stimulus Package Speech” at https://fslmjournals.taylors.edu.my/the-aristotelian-ethos-of-muhyiddin-yassins-prihatin-care-economic-stimulus-package-speech/. Initially, another unpublished article on Ustaz Azhar Idrus was meant to be published in Pacific and Asian Communication Association (PACA) journal in December 2021 but as the date approached, everything went silent – and after countless badgering sessions (calls, messages, etc), I was unceremoniously told by the lecturer-in-charge that PACA December 2021 was no more to be organized by UPM as the management was to be shifted to the Korean counterparts – thus, all the “approved articles” were called-off! You can imagine the shock of my life as I was really banking on this article to fulfill my requirement for PhD graduation! Luckily Alhamdulillah that I’ve submitted this SEARCH article simultaneously which was initially aimed as the third publication during my PhD years! God is Great, Alhamdulillah. So right now, I can focus a bit on my mountainous school workloads (Ketua Panitia Moral, Ketua Guru Pengawas, Pengawai Aset Sekolah, Guru Kelas 6 Samudera, Wakil NUTP, etc) before resumes the final touch of the thesis.

Seeing my name along with my supervisors. I guess this is a good homework for me prior to the viva. I hope my supervisors give me green light after this Eid! I dread thinking about it, though. Insya ALLAH. Amin.

Physically, I have been in the state of abstinence for the past 2 years now; since COVID19 first dominated the world. I have no qualm to admit that I was no innocent angel. I’ve thread phases of life where I have been experimenting with dark things and people. But getting to know a person I see as a philosophical anchor – it is complicated – somehow hindered myself from getting into the unholy physical entanglements, once again. Of course I am no prophet or angel – I don’t know how long will my defense to last; but for now, I feel at peace knowing that my body is untainted and that I have taken the liberty to honour this temple of mine. Alhamdulillah.

I wrote to The Star on 25th January 2022 in the defence against a politician’s allegation that UPM’s PhD graduates were just sham. One of my co-supervisor Assoc. Prof. Dr. Moniza read it and she was happy that I wrote it. Thanks Dr. Moni! You guys can read the full article at https://www.thestar.com.my/opinion/letters/2022/01/25/earning-a-phd-is-a-rigorous-process-in-malaysia?fbclid=IwAR05X9dLgpQPIJ2RTYduOJHIoxS2Xr1_ZmrGXrUxn-RRB0nuIpT7_j7EnFE.

Spiritually, I feel that the inclination towards religion and philosophy are getting stronger. My heart is at peace. I personally feel that these two elements help to sharpen my senses and to direct the course of my life now. But am I a good person now; exempted from all possible unholy activities? I dare not to claim that. But I try. And I know that God is Great. We did mistakes, we met the wrong persons – so that we learn. And God is Great to then destine us to meet people who stimulate our physical and mental aspects with firm base of spirituality. To be introduced to the poetic words by Rumi, Shams Tabrizi, Hafez, and many more has also opened my horizon in a very philosophical way. Well, since I am in the road to obtain this Doctor of Philosophy – I guess it is time to get used with all these, no? Masya ALLAH Tabarakallah. I see this as Sign from God.

At this very age, happiness I now see from different lens. I remember I read somewhere or watched an interview session where this person said – “Berdamailah dengan takdir hidup” which loosely means to be at peace with the course of life destined for you. I can feel I am slowly embracing this. Sure, promiscuity is intoxicating and addictive (I ain’t gonna lie y’all!) – but I now understand what Shams Tabrizi said thousand of years ago on taming oneself with the Oneness of God. The unseen nectar is sweet – although it cannot be understood by those untrained minds and eyes.

All of us have our own demons to combat. Some people are tested by having unattractive faces; deformed facades; inability to conceive; financially-constraint; too many responsibilities or family members to feed; health fiascos; etc. Some of us are dealing these tests publicly while others are facing them in discreet. The most important thing is how to perceive them in your mind, hold on to God and ‘don’t wait for things to not be difficult to be happy’ – a quote by the now demised Nightbirdie from America’s Got Talent. All of us deserve to be happy in accordance to our situations. Joie de vivre! God is Great!

Syukran Jazilan 2021 @ The Year of Triumph & Turmoil : 3rd Winner of National 3 Minutes Thesis (Social Science), 1 Action Research Proceeding on Special Needs, 4 Mass Media Write-Ups, Two Death & Personal Unspoken Melancholy.

As I am writing this article on 31st December 2021 in the small room at Mercure Penang Beach facing the Straits of Malacca – with Jerai Mountain is visible across the sea. Well, they said time flies. In blink of an eye. Irreversible. 2021 has been a unique year for me. A blessed in disguise? I don’t know. But what I realize is that my love for ALLAH SWT has somehow deepened. But that doesn’t mean I am now a self-proclaimed to be ‘holier’ and exempted myself from the side-of-the-railways. I know I’ll be making future mistakes and all but as of now, I feel that this year has elevated my spirituality to a new level.

First, let’s talk about the thorns throughout this year. First, my family faced two death – my late grandmother Tok Nab and our dear cat, Duchess. Tok had been experiencing dementia for quite a year prior to her passing during the MCO 3.0 circa May 2021. Mak was left to handle the funeral as Ayah was serving his quarantine as COVID-19 “social contact.” I think Mak has done something that is admirable. Among all the 6 siblings, she was the one who took care of Tok despite not being the favourite child as Tok – with her antiquated Old Malay mind – favoured her youngest son. As human being, Mak also sometimes felt resentment towards her siblings for taking the easy rides as they refused to be consummated with the more serious participation in taking care of Tok. Nevertheless, God is Great and I personally think that Mak’s good deeds towards Tok actually contributed to her own life well-being and to us, her children. Alhamdulillah.

Innalillahiwainnailaihiraji’un. Only memory. My late grandmother, Tok Nab. Who would have thought she would go on to live the ripe age of 90++ years old? Apparently her organs and all were healthy. But it was all due to the age factor.

Duchess, our little feline left us on October 2021. Although she was considerably old for a cat (9 years old!), her death rose some unanswered questions to us. Still we were relieved that we did our parts as Muslims to honour her as God’s living creature. Link of blog entry is as per https://undomiel84.wordpress.com/2021/10/16/an-odde-the-demise-of-duchess-2013-2021-innalillah-to-our-beloved-hurairah/.

The article featured Duchess and I. Feel glad I had the opportunity to honour her in a printed material, no less! Haha!

Secondly, I am experiencing my own personal meltdown. I remember around 2017, I had a minor depression after a falling-out from my 6 years relationship. But this time, it wasn’t even a legit relationship. Unlike other liaisons I had in the past, this one was predominantly an intellectual communication and I cherished that new paradigm of connection. It was stimulating for me, I could not deny that. Deep down, I knew it was mutual but of course so many aspects of life is on stake if the affinity was prolonged – I am practical about it. But like I said, although I realize the rationale of the interaction being severed, I am hurt by the nonchalance. I was and still hurt by the silent treatments when I tried to reason and reached out. I felt humiliated in a way. But I bent my ego by sending that last ‘farewell gift’ which was a book meant for the 2022’s birthday. When I received that “thank you” note, I was hesitated whether to reply or not – but I guess in Malay they said – “Kemaafan Dendam Yang Terindah” (Forgiveness is the Most Beautiful Revenge). Simple alphabets but that “OK” I wrote finalized everything. Yes, I could still feel that infatuation/obsession lingered on but to bend my ego once again to reach out? No. I have to admit that amidst the longing and yearn for reconnection, there is resentment. I am still hurt. And I won’t humiliate myself again though every time I pray, I ask God SWT to remove this feeling from my heart as it is torturous. If one day our path shall destined to cross, I am not sure whether I could look into your eyes or not – but to quench that fire of resentment? I think ALLAH SWT knows best. This is the best solution for all parties. The test is my patience; my Sabr. Wallahua’lam.

Coincidentally, what Rumi wrote was similar to Siti Nurhaliza’s “Bukan Cinta Biasa” lyrics. Both speak my heart so well. 

However, it is interesting to note that when I have that feeling; I began to honour my body as an untainted temple. For the whole 2021, I am a clean cotton. A bless in disguise. And it speaks how that intellectual connection transpired into something deeper. I want to reserve my body as it is a sacred temple (sound so scandalous, right? But that’s the truth). I pray that my defense will is strong to resist any temptation in 2022.

My humble achievement as a struggling PhD student and full time working teacher in 2021. I give credit to myself for that – and of course, by God’s grace!

On a brighter note, there were a few 2021 accomplishments to celebrate. First, I emerged as the 2nd runner up in the National 3 Minutes Thesis (3MT) Competition for Social Science category after emerging as the second winners in both UPM and Fakulti Bahasa & Komunikasi levels throughout 3 months. I also managed to publish a proceeding on Special Needs Student Action Research with my colleague at ICSE 2021 – 4th International Conference on Special Education; click for full article of the proceedings:-
https://publication.seameosen.org/proc202
https://publication.seameosen.org/pdf/icse/2021/025.pdf 

I served as the co-author for this Special Needs Action Research with my colleague as I helped him to translate and make it more presentable with the written and oral presentations. However, I did not intervene the methodology or the contents as I am not a maestro in Special Needs. However, I learned loads from this experience. 

Besides that, I have my articles featured in The Star 4 times throughout this year:-

1. Umrah journey : 26th July 2021. Click the full story at https://www.thestar.com.my/lifestyle/travel/2021/08/18/malaysian-shares-the-joy-of-performing-umrah-in-mecca-with-beloved-mother
2. Duchess, Pet’s Story : 26th August 2021. Click the full story at https://www.thestar.com.my/lifestyle/living/2021/08/26/my-pet-story-duchess-of-our-hearts
3. Defending the DidikTV fiasco : 23rd February 2021. Click the full article at https://www.thestar.com.my/opinion/letters/2021/02/23/malaysian-students-can-relate-to-that-local-accent
4. Sharing the Art of Persuasion (Rhetoric) : 10th October 2021. Click the full article at https://www.thestar.com.my/news/education/2021/10/10/learning-the-art-of-persuasion

Hopefully these will inspire me to write more!

As for my PhD journey, there are so many things in my mind but best left unwritten here. Insya ALLAH, I am in the process of writing the final chapter and pray everything will be OK. Hopefully, 2022 will be a better year. I think life is beautiful as it can be a double-edge sword – unprecedented, mysterious yet exciting. I am looking forward to what life has to offer me. Joie de vivre!

An Ode : The Demise of Duchess (2013-2021) @ Innalillah to Our Beloved Hurairah.

On Saturday, 2nd October 2021, I was taking a break from my jog at KLCC Park when Mak suddenly called me and informed that our pet, Duchess has passed on. For the past week, Mak told me that Duchess was not feeling well, apparently due to the toothache but reportedly, she also could no more control her bladder – which was very unlikely her as she always knew when was the right time to use her litter box (she would meow at us frantically!). So, Mak sent her to the nearby pet clinic twice. First time, she undergone the teeth treatment but 2 days after that, her condition proved to no avail so Mak sent her again. This time, the vet called Mak and said Duchess died.

Duchess in October, 2013 – circa 8 months old. She was already pregnant at this point of time. Her first and last.

She gave birth to three kittens in December 2013 – before I was to start my Master’s Degree! Haha!

A mom. Before all of her three kittens eventually died.

Honestly, I had that dark idea that it was probably the veterinarian’s fault but I didn’t want to push Mak for the whole detailed chronology – there is that unspoken defiance of “Look-you-are-not-the-one-who-is-handling-this-shit-so-why-don’t-you-just-shut-the-fuck-up” style in my household over the years; so I knew better not to be a pushy boy. Haha! Furthermore, we already kinda knew that it was time for Duchess as she was already 9 years old since I first got her from Kak Mawar in 2013 and according to the real cat’s age; she should have been circa 52 years old. So, Ayah buried her at the Surau al-Falah, Jitra – a nearby musollah and according to our Muslim tradition, her grave was positioned facing the Qibla.

The last time I took her picture circa December 2020, Jitra. When I go back and stay in the attic, she would often ‘paid me a visit.’ Haha. Rest in peace.

December 2020. She was still seemingly healthy. Innalillah.

I didn’t cry but I did feel twinge of sadness. When I stepped out from my parents’ house circa January 2021, Duchess and late grandmother (Tok Nab) were still alive. So the next time I am going back – that will be the first time when I will not see both of them there. Duchess was a very spoilt cat. She would patiently waited for Mak circa 4.30 a.m. at the desk board adjacent to Mak’s room – she knew when Mak finished her Fajr Prayer and all the Doas, the door would be opened and she was going to get her fresh fishes (with bones taken out!). At night, she would cuddle at Ayah’s feet and accompanied him – if I were there and Ayah was not at home, she would run to the attic and slept near me.

But it is what it is. I am glad that I actually wrote a few entries about her:-

• My first entry on Duchess & Oscar (2014) when Kak Mawar gave them to me at https://undomiel84.wordpress.com/2014/01/05/miaow-playing-zoologst-with-pussy-cats-footsteps-of-abu-hurairah-r-a/ ;
• Duchess’ three kittens (Muezza, Sagwa & Crookshanks) at https://undomiel84.wordpress.com/2014/01/25/i-was-a-cruella-d-vil-repent-muezza-sagwa-crookshanks/;
• Neutering Duchess (spayed) at https://undomiel84.wordpress.com/2014/04/28/castrating-the-feline-part-ii-spaying-duchess-i-am-not-a-girl-not-yet-a-woman/;
• The incident when Duchess went missing in Darulaman Golf Club (2015) and after two weeks, she came back when I mioawed calling for her. I immortalized this story in The Star excerpt. At My first entry on Duchess & Oscar (2014) when Kak Mawar gave them to me at https://undomiel84.wordpress.com/2014/01/05/miaow-playing-zoologst-with-pussy-cats-footsteps-of-abu-hurairah-r-a/ ;
• Duchess’ three kittens (Muezza, Sagwa & Crookshanks) at https://undomiel84.wordpress.com/2014/01/25/i-was-a-cruella-d-vil-repent-muezza-sagwa-crookshanks/;
• Neutering Duchess (spayed) at https://undomiel84.wordpress.com/2014/04/28/castrating-the-feline-part-ii-spaying-duchess-i-am-not-a-girl-not-yet-a-woman/;
• The incident when Duchess went missing in Darulaman Golf Club (2015) and after two weeks, she came back when I mioawed calling for her. I immortalized this story in The Star excerpt. At https://undomiel84.wordpress.com/2015/11/10/the-calls-of-the-catts-duchess-discovered-darulaman-golf-country-club-residence-8-km-away-from-home-oscar-where-art-thou/

Ayah buried her – with her grave facing the Qibla. Innalillah.

Innalillah for our beloved Hurairah. We are proud that we treated her good and gave her the treatment she deserved as a God’s creature for the past 8 years. Au revoir, Duchess.

I am glad that I wrote a piece on her in The Star. And it was published prior to her demise. You will be missed and remembered.

Innalillahiwainnailaihiraji’un.

The Writings On My Wall : “To Thine Own Self Be True” Vs “Cogito, Ego Sum” – I Think I Am Finally Clean.

It is 4.08 a.m. As I am listening to the classic orchestra music in Radio OPUS during these wee hours, I am jotting this blog entry – hoping it will reawaken the academic mood that went dimmed as I diverted my focus to the school workloads. And then, there was this one week school holiday which I actually could have used it usefully to amend the article based on the Reviewer’s comment and resume the Chapter 5 of the thesis – but I did not. I guess I actually used the whole week to “mourn” the closure of my “affinity” towards someone I regarded as beacon of my inspiration/motivation in threading this whole funny business of being an aspirant in the world of academia.

Come on! This was just a wet t-shirt. I have done more than this – though not for public eyes to see since I am government civilian! LOL! But jokes aside; it felt great and I could hear Taylor Swift’s song “Clean” in my head as I felt the rain. I am cleaning myself away from You.

I guess it was a God-sent revelation; Usually after my prayers, I often asked that God will soften this person’s heart or let this infatuation / obsession feeling cease to exist from my heart. I did this until last Friday – when I decided to once again, defy my own stance of distancing myself; by peeping over this person’s second social media account; to alleviate my curiosity. And then, I saw an unscathed, nonchalant, happy life. And in that moment, I finally realized that my absence was insignificant – my “reaching-out” messages, the farewell gift (book) I’ve sent – were meaningless. Instantaneously, I felt like a very stupid person as for months, I’ve been having that tug-o-war in my heart. I unfollowed the person and never again wanting to have any access in the social media no more. And so, like what I wrote in my Instagram, too; I’ve decided to do the spontaneous thing – I drenched myself wet under the heavy rain – and as I looked up the sky feeling the drops of the Heavenly Pearls on my face – Taylor Swift’s song “Clean” resonated in my head. It was like a reborn metaphor, I would say:-

The drought was the very worst,
When the flowers that we’d grown together died of thirst.
It was months and months of back and forth,
You’re still all over me,
Like a wine-stained dress I can’t wear anymore…
Hung my head as I lost the war,
And the sky turned black like a perfect storm!
Rain came pouring down,
When I was drowning, that’s when I could finally breathe…
And by morning,
Gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean.

There was nothing left to do.
When the butterflies turned to dust that covered my whole room.
So I punched a hole in the roof,
Let the flood carry away all my pictures of you.
The water filled my lungs, I screamed so loud,
But no one heard a thing….!

;- to clean myself from the shadow of the memory. I’ve decided to give up on that hope. Let it buried now although I do appreciate the things I was introduced throughout this phase. I was introduced to Rene Descartes, Imam Al-Ghazali’s writing and the gem of all, the interesting world of Jalaluddin Rumi and Shams al-Tabrizi. Well, I guess at least all is not lost. So, to cut the story short; I now no more pray that God to soften this person’s heart – I now ONLY pray that this infatuation will cease to exist and I am going to be serious about it from now on. I guess because before this, I had that glimmer of hope that maybe this person would want to rekindle and all – and I had this fantasy that maybe this was done “for the greater good.” Well, no matter whatever is the real motive; I guess I am hurt by that. And I have lowered my ego as a decent human to communicate – maybe because I thought this person was special; for the intelligence, the charisma, the humility – BUT to receive cold treatment; I guess it is time to wake up from the slumber! To be Sober! Yeah, I don’t wanna be like the crazy Glenn Close in “Fatal Attraction” (Haha!). Yes, I am hurt and Goddammit; I am hurt by that – but I heal my own wound, like usual. I will be OK, soon.

Rene Descartes. Famous for his “Cogito, ergo sum” (I Think, Therefore I Am).

Imam Al-Ghazali. I was introduced to “Wonders of the Heart” which is a part from his famous Ihya Ulumuddin. I cherish that. 

Jalaluddin Rumi. Although he lived way before my time, his words are mirrors to my heart. Amazing!

It was said that Shams Tabrizi was the inspiration of Rumi’s philosophical prowess. But the story between them was quite tragic.

So apart from the academic article that would be published by the end of this year, I am also trying to work on the article I’ve mentioned before which takes already like more than 9 months of back-and-forth. Besides the mundane academic trivia, I have also published 3 non-academic articles, one opinion letter and being mentioned in a PhD-related news. Yeah, not really an extravagant achievement but I always remember Kakak told me that “every achievement is AN ACHIEVEMENT” so I think I deserve to give myself some sense of recognition, no? I remember that I actually ended the article I wrote in USM February circulation with the quote I read from Imam al-Ghazali’s “Wonders of the Heart” which was actually the book that was proposed to me by that very person. Well, it is what it is; – or now, it was what it was, no?

(1) My article for Universiti Sains Malaysia (USM) February circulation.

(2) My The Star Newspaper first article – my Umrah journey with Mak in conjunction to Aidiladha.

(3) My The Star Newspaper second article – on my cat, Duchess.

(4) My Opinion Letter on the DidikTV fiasco.

(5) I was featured along with my two UPM contestants on the “3 Minutes Thesis”. Yeah, it was short-lived glorious moment. But for an amateur like me; having my face featured in such big graphic was (and still) an orgasmic experience. So, just bear with it, OK? Haha!

Hopefully, this simple jot will arouse back that dormant academia’s spirit! I can actually hear the garbage truck and the workers doing their work now as at 4.50 a.m. today from outside. I admire their working attitude. I should be thankful for having a stable job now especially during this trying time of COVID-19 pandemic. So many things to be thankful; yet being human, so many things to be sulked and lamented, no? Well, to err is human. And being me, I am always like the Shakespeare’s Hamlet :- “To thine own self be true.” It is me. Always me. I am always true to my heart. True to myself.

My COVID19 False Alarm : The Experiences of Getting Two Tests @ The PCR Swab Test & IgM Antibody Blood Test.

Before this, I only heard my friends underwent the swab tests for COVID19 as I didn’t have any reason to do so. But last week, I had my first experience of all that. I usually do my grocery at small shops in Batang Kali but on last Thursday 5th August, I decided to go to the only hypermarket here namely the Econsave as it was the only place with ATM that I didn’t have to queue up that long (the RHB ATM rejected my Maybank card; the Maybank ATM in Petronas was thronged with people!). It was all good except that I noticed a few ignoramuses who didn’t pay heed on “social distancing” but being the paranoid me, I distanced myself frantically the moment I sensed their movements towards me!

I have been monitoring my oxygen level via this oximeter. Some article states that 95% is acceptable while others said the normal range should be around 96%-100%. My oximeter has gone haywire. Sometimes it states 92% at the left finger whereas on the right finger, it exhibits 98%! Oh, my!

On Friday evening 6th August; after I had my zoom chatting with my Doncha Club buddies, I began to sneeze and as I am always prone towards getting cold and ‘minor sinusitis’, I thought the usual remedy would do away all that – which is always to get a good SLEEP (to reverse the flow of the oozing mucus! Haha!). However, it got worse as both of my nostrils were blocked and naturally, I couldn’t sleep as I couldn’t breathe though the body was already yearn for a rest! I maneuvered so many attempts to clear my nasal airways :-

• I did several push-ups and sit-ups;
• I used the Vicks Vaporub (as it contains Camphor and Menthol)

It lasted until 4 am in the morning. Finally, one of the nostril cleared temporarily and I could finally sleep until Fajr Prayer. My body felt warm and all I wanted to do was simply to sleep. I continued to experience this until Sunday 8th August. Initially, I was feeling a little bit more fresh in the morning and the nostrils were beginning to unblock although my head was still feeling heavy and my body was not 100% in its optimum state. Nevertheless I got a shock of my life when suddenly a colleague of mine shared a WhatsApps circulation that Econsave was to be closed on the 8th August as it was suspected to be the ‘hub of a viral spread’. OMG! I was petrified! There were so many things went on in my mind:-

• Did I contract COVID-19 from anyone in the hypermarket? While queueing up? Or that elderly guy who was nonchalant about social distancing while I was perusing the cover for my mobile phone?
• Did I actually experience mild symptom due to my vaccination as I have already completed the 2 doses?

Coincidentally, all the Year 6 teachers were supposed to go to the school in the following week to distribute modules to the pupils. What if I were actually carrying the virus and become the superspreader to the pupils? Could I just brush this off and adopt the typical Malaysians “Tidak Apa” attitude? Furthermore, my body was feeling a bit feverish (warmer than usual) and a pop of two pills of Panadol would alleviate the feeling, for a while.

Our Friday 6th August 2021 zoom chat. By this time, I was already started to sneeze endlessly. You could see my eyes redden, already!

I then asked my colleague, Azlin Rani about the possible clinics circa Batang Kali and Serendah to get the swab or where to get the COVID self-monitored kit. She suggested Klinik Syifa in Serendah but at that time 19 km seemed so far from Batang Kali. Perhaps because my head was feeling very heavy at that time and the rain was pouring heavily. Since it was Sunday, most clinics were either close or full. I went to three pharmacy centers for the kits but I was told that they were sold-out! I calmed down and took deep breath. Went back home for a rest albeit my body was getting warmer. That night, I chatted with my Doncha Club besties – Kat and Efy; and they suggested I should go for the swab to confirm the matter as the most important thing was to have that empirical validation on my health. I also asked my sister’s opinion and she speculated that it was unlikely that I would be contracting COVID as I exhibited the symptom “a day after” whereas usually for COVID, people would demonstrate the symptoms within the range of 3-5 days.  Nonetheless if doing the tests would bring peace to my mind; – she encouraged me to do them. So on Kat’s recommendation (as she already done hers), I chose BP Healthcare as there is a branch in Rawang. Maybe because I was feeling a bit lethargic and unfocused – I accidentally booked for the “IgM Antigen Test” (blood test) instead of the supposed PCR test (nasal and throat swabs)! In order to save time from the dilly-dallying technical bureaucracy if I were to submit claim to retrieve money or to change the package, I booked another slot for PCR – which meant that I was about to undergo two COVID19 tests!

I was horrified to see people thronging – but with limited staffs; what could you do?! But look at the staff who had to don PPE while taking that swab. My heart goes to all frontliners. I guess for us who have the luxury of ‘working at home’ – please DO NOT ABUSE THAT OPPORTUNITY. I am also overwhelmed when I hear news that a few of my Frontliner friends are already infected with COVID while doing their jobs for the nation. Feels sad. 

Everyone was paranoid and tried to do social distancing – including myself! A new experience for me.

On Monday 9th August, I went to BP Healthcare Rawang after emceeing a school’s virtual event namely “Ekspedisi Bahasa Melayu & Inggeris 2021” under the T25 Programme. To my horror, the queue was quite long and to make the matter worse, my bladder was about to burst! Haha! Phew, thankfully there was a public restroom as these days, you could not enter any eating premises with the excuse of ‘using their toilets’! After the swab, I was told that I had to wait 24 hours for the result. On Tuesday 10th August which was coincidentally public holiday Maal Hijrah, I went to BP Healthcare Rawang for the blood test as I was told that blood test would be catered from 8am-9am only; however, I was denied entrance because  they needed to ensure that my PCR test was negative prior to the blood draw as the staffs would not wear any PPE attire inside the clinic! So, I had to go back.

The PCR test. This was not my blood in the vial, OK? Though I love Angelina Jolie and a little bit twisted like her; I have yet to cultivate that blood-in-the-vial craze! Haha! This was actually a chemical elixir where both of my nasal and throat cotton swabs were to be preserved.

Alhamdulillah, it was negative. At least, it cleared up the smoke of doubt in my head and my heart.

Once at home in Batang Kali around 10 a.m., I received the email and WhatsApps message from BP Healthcare’s Doctor2U. My heart was pounding! What if I were actually a COVID carrier? What if all my assumptions were true? Deep in my heart, I always believe the ‘Kun Fa Ya Kun’ (ALLAH’s will) but if I were to be tested positive, I would be heartbroken because all these while, I obeyed the quarantine rules rigidly – I don’t roam around meeting colleagues and talked to any one in person for months! With “Bismillahirrahmanirrahim”, I clicked at the PDF file and I am not shy to admit that I cried when I saw that my result was negative! I felt sad not because “I felt lucky that I did not contract COVID” but it was more of experiencing God’s Grace and to know that ALLAH answered my mother’s prayer because she said that she would recite Ayatul Kursi for probably 50th or 100th times (knowing my mom!). I did the “Sujud Syukur” (prostration of gratitude) and I cried and I cried and I cried. It was surreal. Alhamdulillah.

The IgM Antibody / Serology Test. I don’t have problem with needles. I know quite a few number of people – including macho, alpha men who are terrified of needles. I don’t know. Every time I need to deal with needle or knives, I would channel that Angelina Jolie’s kinky, twisted side in me. It works. I even took 4-5 photos while the staff tried to get that blood from my vein. It felt beautiful. I don’t know. Maybe it is one of those weird thing about me.

Apparently, the antibody IgG acts as immunity; I guess probably due to the weakened virus from my 2 doses of Sinovac. Anyway, BP Healthcare reaffirms that I am all clear. So, I am OK, Alhamdulillah.

On Wednesday 11th August 2021, I went to BP Healthcare Rawang for the third time and this time, I had my blood drawn. The staff said that I should wait around 1-3 days for the result but circa 9.00 p.m., I already received the pdf of the result. I was a bit confused as it stated that my IgM was not detected but my IgG was detected in the blood. I did my reading (my Microbiology root is getting rusty!) from the health sites as well as You-Tube tutorials and getting a feedback from a social media acquaintance – it all led to one summary that the presence of IgM meant that a person had been infected recently with COVID virus whereas IgG acts as antibody that provides immunity (due to the completed vaccination – weakened virus). Anyway just to reconfirm the matter, I called BP Healthcare Rawang and the staff concurred with what I said. So, Alhamdulillah; everything was put to ease.

A You-tube video on the difference between IgM and IgG antibodies. My Microbiology root has gone rusty, y’all! Haha! Check the video at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QautDnq90Ps. Or if you feel like sharing your knowledge with me or to correct anything that I write here; feel free to drop comment or message my social media for correction!

Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah. Today I feel very much energized. I don’t know; perhaps it was a simple flu or cold; perhaps it was a mild viral infection or perhaps the symptom was exaggerated by my psychology as we all know the significance of placebo and nocebo, no? But anyway, I am glad I chose to do the tests – not only for myself but for people I am about to interact. I don’t want to be the typical “Tidak Apa” Malaysians. I guess as a Muslim, it is also a responsibility to ensure that one is healthy and not to spread diseases to others because if not; it would be too late to regret. I guess it is time to rejuvenate my writing mood as my school workloads and thesis were put on halt for 6 days now, due to this hullabaloo. On whole, this was indeed another new experience for me. Alhamdulillah. 

Getting Sinovac (CoronaVac) Vaccine @ MITEC, Kuala Lumpur : A “Jihad” for the Ummah (In The Name of Herd Immunity).

It has been more than a year now since COVID-19 first reached our shore. I recalled vividly the first few cases in Wuhan, China when several people suddenly collapsed and died circa December 2019. At that time, my sister and I were already about to venture our European trip & we prayed that everything would be alright (and not cancelled!) until the end of our wanderlust journey. Fast forward to 2021, cases in Malaysia are reaching the alarming phase after the Sabah State election last year – I am not going to comment much on it as there are so many cybertroopers and political fanatics who won’t think twice but simply bash anything they read as antagonistic against their own stances; now Malaysian government is implementing its National COVID-19 Immunisation Programme with the mission to get as many Malaysians as possible to be vaccinated so that herd immunity would be achieved. 

The vaccination digital certificate issued by the Malaysian government. 

Like many good Malaysians “marhaen” (Plain People), I too registered my name in the MySejahtera mobile application circa February 2021. Three months passed by without any hint my name would be called upon soon – a few colleagues who are tagged as those prone to comorbidities were given privilege getting earlier jabs. Then, there were for the Frontliners and defense force teams; and then leaders of public organizations; then the politicians (which I still don’t understand although the reason given was that they “serve” the people and thus will constantly be outside of their residences – BUT, they should ask themselves and their accountability to God – have they been really serving the Rakyat?); and then there were few questionable news that celebrities were using shortcuts to get their jabs, etc.

The vaccination centre (PPV) at MITEC, KL. The venue is spacious; the Frontlienrs were professional – it was a smooth-flowing process. 

Well, after so many complaints in the social media (I think that is the good channel as these days, viral is powerful AND whistleblowers can never be denied anymore like they used to be during the days of pre-social media, no?) and mixed reception by the public, government decided to open slots for the AstraZeneca vaccines circa May 2021 – with the concept of “first come, first served”. With the registration website crashed and unwarranted brouhahas circulated in the social media leaving many people frustrated including my sister and I, our only hope was to wait and wait and wait faithfully. Nevertheless, we were thankful that our parents were already vaccinated in Jitra, Kedah as the elder citizens. Being the independent pensioners, Alhamdulillah both my parents were able to manage themselves to go through the vaccination process alone – assisted by the health officers there – unlike other parents who are very much dependent on their children due to illiteracy, etc. 

Since I was too shy to record or taking that “live moment” while I was injected with Sinovac as I found it awkward and kinda “mengada-ngada” (I didn’t want to cause discomfort to the doctor!), I asked permission to snap a picture of the vaccine bottle that is licensed to our local Pharmaniaga. LOL! The doctor was alright with that. 

So, four months after my registration – on 14th June 2021; which was on Monday. I was busy preparing my lesson videos for the online classes I was about to have for my 5 Samudera (English) and Year 4 (Moral Education). I have been reading in Facebook that several people tried their luck to “keep refreshing their MySejahtera profiles every two hours” as there were possibility that our names to be included to replace those who did not turn up or refuse the vaccination slots offered to them! As corny, cliche and baseless assumption as it sound, I did that just to ease myself – I mean, I’ve got nothing to lose, right? So while waiting for the videos to be completely uploaded and encoded online, I nonchalantly refreshed the MySejahtera profile and – OMG!!! I saw my name in the vaccination slot for the first dose! AND it stated that I was supposed to get my jab that day itself at 10.00 a.m. when it was already circa 10.45 a.m.! SHIT!!! It was all topsy-turvy and very rushing! So many things to do within that so little time:

• I settled the two videos for my pupils (with online hiccups, it took me around an extra hour to settle that! Out of all days for hiccups! LOL!);
• I messaged my Headmaster asking for “Kebenaran Keluar Dari Stesyen Bekerja”

By the time I was ready to make my way out for MITEC, KL (vaccination center), it was already 12.30 p.m. I have to say that with all the sudden news, I was agitated and anxious. Felt like I couldn’t drive – I was nervous! But of course, I could not rely to anyone – I had to drive the car on my own, no? So, plucked up the courage and drove to MITEC from the idyllic Batang Kali, Hulu Selangor. Thankfully, I only encountered one road block as I was about to enter KL from Selayang. I arrived there circa 1.30 p.m. The process was all smooth. I wanted so badly to take picture of me getting the jab but then I thought it was too “mengada-ngada” and I didn’t want to cause any discomfort to the doctor. Haha! But of course, the doctor was professional and nice to me. 

LOL! I had that feeling of being “beautiful” after first being jabbed with Sinovac – hence the Selfie! Probably another placebo; psychological effect. Haha! I haven’t peruse any academic journal on that, though. Anyone finds anything on that “perah-santan” mood? Haha!

I managed to drive my way back to Batang Kali without any major glitch! The first few days of the first dose, I felt that my body became somewhat warmer – but no to the extend of catching a fever; thanks to the Panadols (paracetamol). I also experienced fatigue and drowsiness. Nevertheless, I was lucky that I did not experience any joint pain like what I’ve heard and read from my friends’ experiences. On 5th July 2021, I got my second dose of Sinovac and this time around, I was already prepared mentally and physically. Alhamdulillah, so far the symptom of the vaccination is somewhat milder in comparison to the first one – but I cannot deny that the URGE TO EAT is eminent! Hahahaha! So, my weight fluctuates from 59 kg to 57.9 kg to 58.3 kg and 58.8 kg! Well, yeah at this age – every decimal point is essential! Haha! I guess we all should remember that getting vaccine does not mean that we are all invincible towards the virus! It only serves as the final filter in our bodies – thus, we have to abide the rules; follow the SOPs and practice social-distancing. Have y’all heard a hadith by At-Tarmizi about how we should not simply “rely to the fate” but to practice “curb is better than to cure”? :-

Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, the hadith outlines the story of a Bedouin man who was leaving his camel without tying it. The Prophet (PBUH) asked him “Why don’t you tie down your camel?” The Bedouin answered, “I put my trust in Allah.” The Prophet then replied, “Tie your camel first, and then put your trust in Allah.”

The timeline of my vaccination. I think there are still some people out there who thought that Pfizer is the “most powerful vaccine” with its promotional info on 95% efficacy. I, myself was bought into that as well. However, as I read, I noticed that these different vaccines were tested in different countries (hence, different population) during different times. Hence, the many existing local variables may contribute to the efficacy rate. And with the uprising mutation of the virus (new variants), it is likely that the “efficacy rate” become insignificant. The best option for us, as right now, is to get vaccinated, regardless of any vaccine (Of course if you want to boast to those who are insufficient in knowledge that you got the valuable Pfizer; it is all your prerogative! Haha!)

Hopefully one day, everything will be back to normal and we are to be reunited with our loved ones, once again. Amin YRA. 

Being 37 Years Old @ A Late Bloomer to Rumi : My “3 Minutes Thesis” Competition Story – From Faculty to University to National Levels.

This is my first entry for this year! OMG! I used to be an avid blog writer. Hahaha but I guess as age is catching up (though the heart still feels young!), the drive to document everything fades. LOL! But, I am still the same person – with more enriched life experiences and colours (that is the way I see myself, at least). Anyway, it has already been a month now that I am a legit 37 years old! Gosh, time flies, innit? Since Malaysia is having its lockdown and especially Selangor with its PKPD, everything is just “Seindah Biasa”, I guess. Anyway, just a quick dash on a side-dish. By the end of December 2020 until earlier May this year, I’ve developed a certain “affinity” towards a person in a way very unlikely me. Let’s be honest, my style usually initiated with promiscuity and naughty flirtations. But I was drawn to this person for the intellectual magnet and bibliophilia. Through this person, I was introduced to wise philosophers I used to pay no heed prior to this such as Rumi. I felt there was some sort of spiritual connectivity (as opposed to the usual physical ‘thang’ I am used to) and I felt at peace. However, I noticed that things started to turn cold after Ramadhan and of course being me, I wrote what I felt. I still don’t know what went wrong but I could only guess that it has something to do with the red tapes of taboos and Status Quo. The reply was diplomatic (I am good in reading between the lines!) but I sensed that ‘the time has come to put a stop’. It was bewildering as it was not even a physicality-connection but I was devastated because this person somehow inspired me to make it good and achieve things in the scholarly world & I was drawn by the humility of that ‘Kampung” origin despite being one of the honchos of the industry. For the first time, I was initially drawn to a person not because of the physical attraction; so it was kinda pure for me. But then it was what it was. I can’t deny that I still basking for some sort of recognition or presence every time I announce any of my little victorious moments, hoping to get signs that this person is seeing me from afar like it was used to be – but I guess everyone has his/her own reason to bail out. Like who am I to say “No”, right? Life goes on though it is kinda hard because for me it was pure. But alas, heartbreaks inspired Rumi to be a great poet, no? Sigh. 

Secured the 2nd place in Faculty level (FBMK, UPM). Can you see the Teacher’s Room as the background? I had to ask permission from my GPK1 and the help of my colleagues to look after the Pendidikan Moral class. Tried to focus while my colleagues audibly chatting! Haha!

Anyway, this blog is to focus on my experience in participating the “3 Minutes Thesis” Competition. Last year, my supervisor suggested to me to participate as he could see the potential with my communication skill but unfortunately the competition was pun on halt due to the COVID-19 lockdown 1.0. So this year when the advertisement was issued, I told my SV that I wanted to participate the competition although I was a bit skeptical on how to construct the narration on my rhetorical analysis of speech so that it would sound interesting. I then recalled in either a communication book or journal that past Greek scholars often compared persuasion strategies (since rhetorical communication / persuasive communication derived from ancient Greek) to monstrous creatures. I remember Plato described :-

• in “Phaedrus” that speech was like a living creature with head, body and feet;
• in “Republic”, human’s appetitive parts (desire) was likened to Hydra, the many-headed Greek mythical creature

So initially I thought of incorporating Hydra as the metaphor to the three Canons of Rhetoric (Inventio, Dispositio and Elocutio) but then I was also aware that not everyone was into Greek mythology, right? Then I remember “Godzilla” and coincidentally, the newer version was released earlier this year so Godzilla should be the more recognizable “monster” in comparison to Hydra! Since the competition was about explaining your research to the laypeople, I decided to use the contemporary Godzilla as opposed to the mythical, classic Hydra – as the analogical monster mirroring to the three Canons of Rhetoric related to my research.

Haha! My amateurish ala cut-and-paste slide for my faculty level competition! Well, you’ve gotta do what you’ve gotta do to persuade the audience, no? Haha!

So circa March 2021, I entered the faculty level (Faculty of Modern Languages and Communication, FBMK) and managed to get the second place! I remembered that on Monday, FBMK called me around 10.30 a.m. that they wanted me to participate the Zoom session at 11.00 a.m. I told them that it would not be possible because I was at school and about to have my Pendidikan Moral class with the ever-active Year 4 pupils at 10.50 a.m.! The FMBK officer was adamant as she said I needed to be in the presence for the briefing if I were to win the competition. Thankfully, my PK Pentadbiran, Cikgu Shamsul and my colleagues were willing to tolerate and helped me out with the class (talk about the struggle of pursuing PhD while working full time! The schedule always collides!). Initially, I thought that only the first winner was to represent the faculty but it turned out that all the three winners would represent the faculty for the university level. 

The new polished slide by Kakak! Impressive, right? I am such a noob! Haha! So after comments from the faculty level, I’ve roped the help of Kakak to upgrade my slide. She is such a gem! Love you, Kakak! The victory is not just mine – for both of us the Ramli Siblings, actually!

The UPM “3 Minutes Thesis” Competition – university level was held circa April 2021. This time around, I enlisted the help of my sister, the IT maestro (hahaha!) to help me with the solo slide to be shown throughout my presentation! Hahaha! Kakak was simply a Guru in this – my previous slide was really a “noob” (cut-and-paste amateur! Haha!). Her slide exuded that ambiance of professionalism. Thanks Kakak! There were 25 participants from all over UPM and the session was divided into two rounds. I make it to the second round with 12 participants competing against each other. During the Question-and-Answer session, the Head Panelist enquired:- 

1. How am I going to gauge that the audience were really swayed / persuaded by Tun Mahathir’s usage of Elocutio (Style) of rhyming?
2. Using Godzilla was confusing as it connotates notoriety and to affiliate it with Tun Mahathir is not compatible. What is the relevance to the research?

Being me, I was so ever eager to trump my way out (purely because of the Prize Money! Haha!). So, I adamantly told that my research is using Neo-Aristotelian rhetorical analysis which is a classic methodology and it only concerns with the way the speaker to construct his/her speeches in a most convincing way.The Head Panelist obviously was there to grill me – “So what about the audience?” In my most “ready-for-battle” momentum, I said that the classical approach purely concerns on the speaker him/herself; however, the contemporary rhetorical analyses would be more comprehensive in encompassing the perspective of the audience. I also added that – since past rhetorical analyses research in Malaysia predominantly used Neo-Aristotelian, then it was decided that the methodology suits with my research and the question was actually out of my research spectrum! Well, it was quite a heated discussion – and later Kakak who watched the session live told me that I seemed a bit ‘pompous’ and should ‘toned down the arrogance” and exercised diplomacy. Haha! With the second place, I have secured RM800. Well, we are living in a material world! 

I was shocked but thankful because my aim was more on the money. Haha!

Throughout May 2021, the three of us were given 7 times of virtual coaching sessions by the UPM School of Graduate Studies. Associate Prof. Dr. Noritah Omar was appointed as our coach. Initially, it was planned that we were to have our last coaching session face-to-face with Dr. Noritah and then had our recording session by the professionals at SGS but we had to cancel the idea as Malaysian Government abruptly announced the Movement Control Order 3.0. In the end, I had to do my own recording in my own home in Batang Kali, Hulu Selangor and sent it to Encik Hafiz, the SGS Officer via Telegram. Under Dr. Noritah’s coaching, I was asked to “tone down” my naturally-animated style of presentation and also to enunciate each word clearly as this was after all, a professional presentation. Maybe because I was so used to my story-telling persona! It was also tedious as I had to prepare 5 videos to be selected by them – but it was worthwhile experience. Thanks Dr!

The coaching sessions with Assoc. Prof. Dr. Noritah Omar. Well, my favourite is the black Batik. Heck, I even wore it during my National Level Question-and-Answer session. LOL!

So on 9th of June 2021, the National Level of “3 Minutes Thesis” Competition was conducted via Zoom due to the MCO 3.0. Well, in a way it was “luckily” because I didn’t have to apply for a day off from my Headmaster in school. There were approximately 50 PhD candidates and we were then segregated into separate rooms according to our own category; I am with Social Science, Akhlisah with Engineering and Dr. Diana with Science. For my own category, the 16 Social Science participants were divided into 4 clusters and then each winner would make it to the second round. After the lunch break circa 2.30 p.m., the session resumed and the final round participants were announced. The three of us made it to the final!

The contestants and crews. I noticed Professor Dr. Kamila Ghazali is the Deputy Vice-Chancellor (Academic and International) of Universiti Malaya there as she is an expert in rhetoric and she wrote about Mahathir’s rhetorical devices as well but from the perspective of Critical Discourse (CDA). I however, look from the perspective of Neo-Aristotelian. I was excited to see her as I cited her in my Literature Reviews. 

I’ve noticed we were told that the elements of Sustainability Development Goals (SDGs) are to be taken into account for deliberation of winners. I also noticed that the participant from UM who finally emerged as the winner emphasized during the Question-and-Answer session that her research on the taboos of female circumcision was relevant to SDGs. When I heard that, I was like -“Ohhh, shit! How am I going to sway my Tun Mahathir’s persuasion strategies to fit into that SDGs mould??” And to tell the truth, I didn’t even know what were SDGs all about (I know!! Haha!) up until this UM contestant talked about it AND by the time I’ve finished googling the information, it was too late as my turn was up next and I didn’t have time to concoct the “swaying plan”. Haha! So, I thought – What the heck? Just go with the flow! So, the Question-and-Answer session was conducted by the emcee; and I wasn’t sure whether the answers given would be taken into consideration as part of our marks. Since I remember that Kakak told me to “tone down” my “combative alter ego” as per the one I demonstrated during the UPM level, I opted to be more casual and projected sense of naivety. I was asked by the emcee:-

• Did you incorporated those persuasion strategies implemented by Tun Mahathir into your presentation just now?

My answer wasn’t serious and I giggled like a child (a tactic I used when I tried to feign innocence). I didn’t specifically singled out any rhetorical devices – alliteration, anaphora to support my answers so that they would look “professional”. In my mind, I thought this was just a filler session before the turn for the next contestant. After my session, I noticed that the other contestants were treating the Question-and-Answer session like VIVA! They were adamant to share the technical jargons and philosophy of their research and that somehow unveiled the sophistication of their research! Bummer! But I also could not deny that their research do sound more “sophisticated” as opposed to mine – though, yeah, people keep telling that be proud of your research title, no? Haha!

Third place in Social Science category on National Level of “3 Minutes Thesis”. I think OKlah. Haha.

The UPM poster. I am glad I have contributed something to Universiti Putra Malaysia (UPM) as a student. 

In the end, it was somewhat a joyful thing that the three of us managed to claim a spot in the Top Three for each category. It was also a great contribution as a PhD student who works full time as a primary school teacher to clinch such accolade. At least, this should be a PhD memory of mine for UPM and hopefully will inspire and motivate me to keep walking along this PhD journey with its ups and downs. Amin YRA. 

The Star excerpt dated 4th July 2021. A good zenith as finale for this whole 3 months journey of Malaysian “3 Minutes Thesis” competition.

The Year 2020 : A Capsule of Colours : My PhD Thesis & Articles, Death of A Friend, 7 Books Read & Gratefulness During COVID-19 Pandemic.

So today is 31st December 2020. Marks the last day of the year 2020. For Malaysians especially 90s kids like me, the year 2020 was pictured as the year where Malaysia would achieve its ambition to be a modern sophisticated country; a brainchild vision of Tun Dr. Mahathir Mohamad which was unveiled in 1991 encompassing a 30-years-plan with projection that each year, the country’s GDP was to be circa 7% consecutively. However with 1997 financial crisis and 2008 credit crunch and COVID-19 pandemic 2019-2020, that ambitious Vision 2020 was considered to be a failure. As kids, we used to visualize that there would be flying cars and robots living with us in the year 2020 but instead that fantasy was greeted with the lethal virus! Haha!

The  images we were used to visualize for the Year 2020 – as 90s kids!

After the Movement Control Order commenced in March 2020 until October 2020, Malaysia was considered to be one of the world’s best in confining the widepsread of COVID-19. Nevertheless, maybe God SWT wanted to teach us lesson; wanted to remind the power-hungry leaders (but proved to no avail, I see!) – Wallahualam. On September 26, Sabah held its state election despite Semporna dubbed as “Little Wuhan” as so many people reported to be infected. Of course with politicians flooding in Sabah to “support their parties”, they brought along entourages of “side-kicks” as well. And once these people travelled back to Peninsular, the nightmare began. It was the dawn of COVID-19 Third Wave. And as of today, 2525 positive cases were reported with that being the highest number ever announced in Malaysia. Hope that the new year will bring better news for all of us. Amin.

Anyway, as for myself; Alhamdulillah. I am so grateful that I am not affected financially by the pandemic. Being a government school teacher, the quality of life is unscathed. My heart goes out to people who are working in aviation industry (pilots, stewards, stewardesses), hoteliers / tourism industry players or those who are doing SMEs businesses – this pandemic has jeopardized their lives. People lost their jobs, business operations were downsized and negative profit margins started to take a toll upon the entrepreneurs. All these humbled me and make me reflect more about the situation – and honestly, I feel blessed and grateful. I pray that those who are affected will be able to make their ways out from the mess. I know that it is easier said than done – but the least I could do is to offer a Doa. Amin.

Condolences. You will be missed, Francis. We will be with you, chica.

Another sad news I received this year was the death of Francis, Kat’s husband on 19th November 2020. After a year battling esophageal cancer, he passed on. Efy (Efisius) and I had been following the routine of his treatments in Korea via WhatsApps and we often chatted with Kat while she was in the hospital accompanying Francis. That was the least we could do as friends. Hence, it was no far-fetched to say that we were so affected by the news – we became somewhat demotivated and dispirited (Efy also confessed that to me) and for me, I couldn’t sleep properly for almost 3 days. Our hearts go out to our dear chica, Kat. Certainly, it was not an easy feat to arrange for a sick person to fly out from South Korea back to Malaysia especially during the times of pandemic. However both Kat and Francis were strong-willed couple. They managed to weather the arduous 6 hours-long journey especially Francis who was eager to be back home. Nevertheless after a week in Institut Kanser Negara (IKN) and with Kat forced to be quarantined, Francis’ condition deteriorated. To cut the story short, he was buried in Kuching on the same day as his birthday which was on 23rd November 2020. There were so many heart-breaking episodes along the way but I guess let that just be our secrets. As a friend and a brother, I pray that Kat would be able to recoup her loss. Amin.

Co-authored a psychology paper that was published in Asian Journal of Psychiatry entitled “Psychosocial Support for Healthcare Frontliners during COVID-19 Pandemic in Malaysia” with DOI 10.1016/j.ajp.2020.102272.

Anyway, what about my own achievement? Well;

• My PhD thesis is going well ( I think!) and I am in the process of analyzing the data as well as making corrections on previous chapters as well (you know qualitative research with the emergent ideas popping out, like daisies!). I have faith, Insya ALLAH;

• My articles? Well, I have been working on two articles during the MCO and unfortunately they were rejected by many journals (I have to say that initially, I was feeling very demotivated by that but after a while I got the hang of that “normalcy”!). As of today, I am still waiting for the final verdict for these two articles from external examiners from yet another two journals. So, I’ll just have to wait next year. On top of that, I have also contributed to a psychology paper that was published in Asian Journal of Psychiatry entitled “Psychosocial Support for Healthcare Frontliners during COVID-19 Pandemic in Malaysia” with DOI 10.1016/j.ajp.2020.102272. Well, yes my name was also included but I didn’t play big part in it. Simply put, it was just more on the cosmetic aspect – language, terminology, etc. Don’t get me wrong! I was grateful for the opportunity but yes, it would be more satisfying to see my own ideas to be published, no? But my sister said that “a small achievement is also an achievement” and therefore I should be happy for this, too. I guess she’s right!

 

And so, to recap whether I’ve achieved my 2020 KPI based on my blog entry dated 3rd January 2020 https://undomiel84.wordpress.com/2020/01/03/shahrill-ramlis-vision-2020-personal-kpis-healthy-lifestyle-of-a-phd-candidate-primary-school-teacher-avid-bookworm-amateur-fun-runner-addicted-wanderlust/ :-

• To publish my second article in journals; – (only as co-author; still waiting for the verdict of my two articles).
• To attend 2 conferences; – (I didn’t attend any conference due to MCO COVID-19).
• To give my best to my school responsibilities – teaching Science for Year 4; and English for Year 5 and Year 6 – (Alhamdulillah, I feel that I have diligently carry out my task as teacher throughout 2020).
• To read at least 5 books from authors around the world (YES!!! I have read 7 BOOKS this year – “The Myth of the Lazy Native” by Syed Hussein al-Alatas; “The Garden of Evening Mists” by Tan Twan Eng”; “Uncle Tom’s Cabins” by Harriet Beecher Stowe; “Legends of Condor Heroes” by Jin Yong; “The Girl on the Train” by Paula Hawkins”; “Sex and Vanity” by Kevin Kwan; “Call Me By Your Name” by Andre Aciman)
• To join two running events; (I did not join)
• To travel either local or abroad (Countless of local wanderlust – but no abroad trip due to COVID-19).

On whole, I am quite satisfied with my 2020 KPI given the circumstances. May 2021 brings more good news. Amin.