The End Of My 6 Years-Old Fairytale @ The Break-Up : I Will Always Love You.

My heart just stopped. My eyes welled up. This is it. On 7th February 2016 on Chinese New Year eve, it is official that my 6 years relationship is severed. Whatever burning questions that have been playing in my mind are now answered. It hurts. It pierces my heart to the core. But it is better than the constant sugar-coating. It is better to crush my hopes rather than to prolong it with false fantasies.

You are the best thing that ever happened in my life. As I am jotting this, I am crying. But I accept this with open heart. If this is the best remedy for your health. You wanna seclude yourself and to be dedicated to piety. You refuse to tell me the “illness” and you hope that your spiritual journey for Umrah shall not be disdained by other hedonistic affiliations. I understand. I accept that.

But for me, I suddenly feel so alone. For the past 6 years, I have someone with me. People thought I am alone but I have someone who have been my confidante. But now, for the first time in 6 years, I am struggling to continue this life alone. We always do things together, watched movies or exploring new places together – but now I am to continue this alone. It will be hard to move on so quickly with somebody new. And I am not sure whether I could meet someone as genuine as you were. Flings and one night stands are easy but to have the kind of mutual sincerity that we had? I don’t think so.

I am glad you were in my life. And I am glad we bailed out from the relationship not due to third parties. We stayed true to the sanctity. But time does not permit. I accept that with open-heart. Thank you for the wonderful 6 years.

But I am grateful that ALLAH SWT gave me the chance to experience the feeling of to love and being loved by someone. Growing up, I always know that it will be hard for someone like me to experience such feeling but God gave me the chance. This should be the sweetest memory in my life. And this house at Batang Kali – could not be materialized without your help.

The dedication I etched in my mini thesis “Malaysian Moslems’ Perception Towards Cadbury’s Image Repair & Its Halal Image.” But alas, it is what it is.

But I am glad that the discussion in WhatsApp took place. To clear all the smokes. To kill all the hopes. 6 years. When I was 26 years old. And now I am 32 years old. Perhaps in the future when I ponder this, I can just smile but now it is really hurt. But that is life. It is everything but a dream. Actually, my fingers are shaking now and there are so much things to express but I can’t. Whatever it is, I have to accept this. It is over. 2016 certainly is year of paradigm shift for me. A lot of drastic changes are to be made.

I never thought this fairytale will crumble. I had the fantasy of growing old with you. But that is life. I accept. God bless. I guess the song “I Always Love You” tells everything. We both know, I am not what u need. Not as much as the serenity in life you covet. I hope life will treat you kind and you will have what you want in life. 

Thanks for the wonderful 6 years, A.R.M. God bless.

If I should stay
I would only be in your way
So I’ll go but I know
I’ll think of you every step of the way

And I… will always love you, ooh
Will always love you
You
My darling, you…
Mmm-mm

Bittersweet memories –
That is all I’m taking with me.
So good-bye.
Please don’t cry:
We both know I’m not what you, you need

And I… will always love you
I… will always love you
You, ooh

[Instrumental / Sax solo]

I hope life treats you kind
And I hope you have all you’ve dreamed of
And I wish you joy and happiness
But above all this I wish you love

And I… will always love you
I will always love you
I will always love you
I will always love you

I will always love you
I, I will always love you.

You.
Darling, I love you.
I’ll always…
I’ll always love you.
Ooh
Ooh

This is corny but this song by Whitney Houston is a testament of our relationship. Remember when I sang this song during our karaoke sessions? The lyrics speak everything.

My Promise @ The Myths & The Facts Of Blood Cupping (“Berbekam”) : Islamic or Arabian Alternative Treatment?

It’s been 2 weeks since I jotted down this entry. A rollercoaster ride with kaledeiscope of emotional upheavals for both of us. For the first week, it is quite delightful to know that someone has taken the initiative to re-indulge oneself with the athletic activities which was synonymous to the heart. Taking the field track and tried to get back in shape. Nonetheless, there were a few moments where doubts intercepted the mission and nearly forced one to draw out from the competition but Alhamdulillah with brave heart, everything went well.

And then last week I went back to Jitra for Merdeka holidays so naturally I had to leave for the fight to be battled alone. In a way, it should serve as a good experience if I were not around. Everything went well; I received warm-heart call when I was waiting for my flight at KLIA 2 Starbucks. But on Saturday I received calls that the body was becoming weaker and the health deteriorated. Possibly it was due to the practice of blood cupping (“berbekam”) which famously affiliated with Islamic alternative health practice. Now, after a body received the treatment; it is natural for one to experience lethargy. Perhaps due to that, “mystical misdemeanors” began to dominate the mind as the self-defense was brittle. I was worried and concerned when I learned that the health deteriorates and as if it was back to the initial limbo-rock experienced during the last weeks of the Ramadhan (REFER to https://undomiel84.wordpress.com/2015/07/12/my-promise-the-fable-of-one-legged-tin-soldier-ballerina-toys-the-anxiety-attack-depression/).

Courtesy of https://bekamazzahra.wordpress.com/waktu-terbaik-berbekam-setiap-bulan-islam/.

So yesterday, Tuesday 1st September 2015; after school, I pushed off to Kuala Lumpur and accompanied to Darussyifa’. There were many people and we had to wait in queue for another 20 more people. Initially, someone was feeling restless and wanted to to recoil but I was adamant for the treatment to be done on the spot because I knew the “injection of motivation” was crucial before the condition to be worsen. And Alhamdulillah after the session, everything went well and the confidence was reinstated.

Courtesy of http://terapibekamsunnahalfath.blogspot.com/.

From this experience, we learned that the body needs to be maintained in a healthy state and not to be jeopardized by any ambiguous watchamacallits. Could it be that blood cupping or “berbekam” isn’t all that beneficial to the body, much contrary to the Moslems’ belief that it was Prophet Muhammad SAW’s Sunnah (an act)? I am not a well-versed person about this but I remembered a controversial statement made by  Profesor Emeritus Datuk Dr Mahmood Zuhdi Abdul Majid who happened to be a professor in Fiqh and Usul Fiqh Department of International Islamic University of Malaysia (IIUM) who said that blood cupping (“berbekam”) is an Arabian traditional health treatment and also being practiced by people from other countries via several varied methods but with the same concept in accordance to the suitability for the individual and illnesses, in question (REFER to http://www.sinarharian.com.my/bisnes/bekam-bukan-perubatan-islam-1.413391). This was definitely contradicted to the impression embedded within antiquated Malaysian Moslems’ minds about blood cupping or “berbekam” for ages :-

“On contrary from the religious point of view, blood cupping has no correlation with Islamic practices and it is just the same like a normal medication with various ways such as surgery or injection. Claims that blood cupping is a Prophet’s Sunnah is analogous to other deeds done by him. We love him and therefore we follow what he did. Therefore, we cannot assume that blood cupping (although practiced by Rasulullah) as an Islamic medication as it derived from the Arabian culture. Since Rasulullah was an Arab and blood cupping does not contradict to the laws of Islam, it is therefore permissible, yet not to be taken as one of Islamic practices. And one has to really be particular towards the hygienic and cleanliness aspects if interested to be engaged with blood cupping practices. We must be careful and evaluate the expertise of the blood cupping practitioner before succumb the body for treatment.”

Profesor Emeritus Datuk Dr Mahmood Zuhdi Abdul Majid, a professor in Fiqh and Usul Fiqh Department of International Islamic University of Malaysia (IIUM) is of opinion that blood cupping (“berbekam”) is merely an Arabian alternative culture, therefore should not be misunderstood as an Islamic treatment.

In addition, I want to relate what Prof Madya Dr Mohd Asri Zainul Abidin or affectionately known as Dr. MAZA wrote about this polemics in his blog (REFER to http://drmaza.com/home/?p=1361). He wrote that Islamic scholars have different opinions on regard to the practices of Islamic medication.  Some said that Islamicized alternative antibiotics which are famous in Arabian culture such as habbatus sauda’ (black seeds), blood cupping, camels’ urine and milk, etc are due to Heavenly Revelations whilst others perceive them as merely from the basis of Prophet’s life experiences and surroundings.

Prof Madya Dr Mohd Asri Zainul Abidin or affectionately known as Dr. MAZA. He used to teach in USM when I took minor in Islamic Studies (my major was in Microbiology). Unfortunately I never get to sit for his classes – though I did one time mistakenly entered his office when I was looking for a lecturer in the faculty. LMAO. (,”)

So, I guess in the end, it is prerogative. But as for us, I think it’s better to not to be indulged with this, for a while.

Hahaha! David Beckham for “bekam” (blood cupping in Malay)? It is amazing how marketers do their mind-blowing creative posters with Photoshop! Hahahahahah!

My Promise @ How Do You Mend A Broken Spirit? : Ne Sois Pas Triste, L’amour.

How do you mend a broken spirit? It is like a flickering fire in you. When the fire puffed and gone, you lost the will to strive and hence, drifted away. Alhamdulillah at this juncture, I am still a person full of spirit to live and to life. But, you can’t tell. Usually, it is easier to say than to be. I hope when the time comes, I will be able to face it with brave heart.

It is heart wrenching when someone that is so endearing to you has lost the spirit. The ‘whispers” will trigger some ambiguities to the heart. When this was conveyed to me and we talked about it, we agreed that it could most possibly rooted since a year ago, beginning with the lost-of-confidence to drive (REFER to this entry dated 20th September 2014; https://undomiel84.wordpress.com/2014/09/20/my-promise-pusat-rawatan-islam-as-syifa-bandar-baru-bangi-seksyen-15/).

As someone who was so daredevil and adrenaline-driving activities aficionado, experiencing this is definitely a blow for the life. As someone who was into skydiving, diving-from-the-high-plank, etc; it has been both confusing state and depressing situation when the present self couldn’t do all these adventurous things like what the former self used to be addicted to. When you talk about soul, not everyone can be good listeners. Thankfully, I am a person full with empathy. I listen and fathom people’s inner emotion. And after a session at Darussyifa’, the spirit seemingly restored, probably because during the tete-a-tete treatment , there was no hold barred. It is a good improvement.

In a hindsight, this is also serves as good humbling experience for someone who was quite robust and unshackled with “emotional stuffs” – that it is OK to succumb to psychological matter. Called it a mystical or spiritual affair, it is all about the spirit. And we need spirit, to survive and to live, the life.

“La Tahzan” in French.

The book “La Tahzan”, a reputable popular book by Aaidh Ibn Abdullah al-Qarni as a solace for those with broken heart and spirit. My gift from Kedah dated 26th July 2015. It is nice to hear that this book helps to motivate the one with broken spirit, now. 

My Promise @ The Eminence Of Sidr Leaves (“Daun Bidara”) In Islamic Exorcism.

The weekend rendezvous routine is undeniably changed. These days, Darussyifa’ serves as mecca for weekend. I loyally accompany and do the best that I can to make the most of the time we have as well as being a dedicated companion as much as I could. Being in Darussyifa’ teaches me a lot of the unknown knowledge prior to these mystical experiences.

The leaves of Sidr, lote tree, cedar or “bidara”. 

So we went this morning, like usual. And this routine has to be done in Istiqamah (continuous). I am interested to write about a type of plant that is synonymous in the Islamic exorcism. Before this, I am quite an ignoramus about the benefits (I only knew the name) but now I realize that it has significant role in alternative medication. The plant is known as “bidara” in Malay Language and is a very popular flora to be used in Malay prose and folklore. I tried to find the English term for it and came across various name such as Cedar, Lote Tree and also Sidr (from the Arabic origination) but the Forest Research Institute Malaysia (FRIM) website dubs it as Ziziphus mauritiana as the scientific name (REFER to http://www.frim.gov.my/ziziphus-mauritiana-tasty-little-fruits/?wppa-album=35&wppa-photo=113&wppa-cover=0&wppa-occur=1). But I am not going to decipher about the fruit. I wanna talk about the leaves.

According to Darussyifa’ Bandar Baru Salak Tinggi branch’s website at http://darussyifabbst.blogspot.com/2011/09/rawatan-menggunakan-daun-bidara.html, the leaves of “bidara”or Sidr are significant in treating spiritual illnesses such as emotional upheaval, disturbance during sleeping, malicious presence of Djinns, or curses. According to various sources I have Googled in the Net as well as what is written by Tuan Guru Dato’ Dr. Harun Din in his household book “Rawatan Penyakit Jasmani (I)” – Treatment Of Physical Illness (I), Abul Hasan Ali ibn Khalaf who was famously known as Ibn Battal al-Maliki said on a hadith Bukhari when Sihr (curse) is concern :-

“He can take seven Sidr leaves, grind them up, and put them into water, then recite into it the ayahs and surahs (verses and chapters) – Ayatul Kursi, 3 Quls, and the du’as. Then he can drink some and wash with the rest. Seven Sidr leaves should be placed in water, the verses referred to above should be recited into it, then he should drink from it and wash with it. This is beneficial, by Allah’s leave.”

The grind Sidr leaves.

Besides that in another example, it was also said that Prophet SAW explained that in the process of cleansing the corpse with pure water (Islamic ritual to honour the dead), one of the cleansing steps process needs to be conducted with a mixture of water and Sidr leaves. This implies that there is a specific significance of Sidr – and the recognition is uphold due to the fact that it is used to honour and to purify the dead.

Sidr leaves or “daun bidara” from Darussyifa’, Bandar Baru Bangi Seksyen 1, Malaysia.

This certainly another eye-opening knowledge for me in broadening my horizon. ALLAH Hu Akbar, God SWT Is Great!

My Promise @ Can I Ever Be The Best For You? : The Threshold Of Patience.

I am so frustrated today. But you can’t be too emotional when you are liaising with sick person. A person who needs your full attention and in dire needs of sense of being loved. I have to say this left me agog and stupefied for a while. I guess in the end I have to shun this away.

This morning while I was having breakfast, I received 3 SMS pleading for me to chauffeur to Darussyifa’ as apparently, an ‘attack’ was felt as early as 3 am and it caused pain at the neck and making the head throbbed. The SMS literally begging me to leave Serendah and to Seri Kembangan-Lake Field area as early as possible. Stupefied by that, I called and told it would be impossible as I was working and I can’t simply take leave. I am a teacher and only entitled for only 7 days leave per annum and I can’t leave the school just like that – like what my office 9-5 friends can do if something urgent that needs to be attended, happens. The pleading was desperate that I thought I would do my best to go out by noon (12 pm).

Since I have two periods of class around 12 pm – 1 pm; I made arrangements with my colleague teachers – Kak Sakinah and Kak Faridah. I shifted the schedules upfront by entering their classes; and they were to cover me at 12 pm- 1 pm. It was complicated matter; and I can’t think straight. In the end just to shoosh everyone and at the same time the mission that I can cover all my classes for today before 12 pm, I agreed to monitor both 5 Pelangi and 5 Purnama consisting of more than 50 pupils in one class – for 2 HOURS!

I have no qualm on controlling classes with 50 pupils or more because I am quite a stern teacher – so, class control is what I am good at. But I pitied the pupils for having to be congested within one class. I literally asked forgiveness from 5 Purnama because of the inconvenience but they understood that. Lessons were carried out and works were given despite the odds. Thanks kids.

NONETHELESS, as I was entering the first hour, suddenly I received an SMS, casually saying that ‘all were settled as a friend has chauffeured to Darussyifa’. Whoa; that casual SMS was a mind-blowing. I have to say that it caught me with red-flame or in Bahasa Malaysia, you can dub the emotion as “sentap”. After all the attempts and efforts I have made; including negotiations with colleagues and permission from school administration (what’s more; last week I already applied a day-off exactly on Wednesday for this! REFER to https://undomiel84.wordpress.com/2015/07/29/my-proise-sihr-djinns-or-infeted-food-the-defense-against-the-dark-arts-pusat-persatuan-kebajikan-pengubatan-islam-malaysia-darussyifa-seksyen-1-bandar-baru-bangi/); this is what I received??!!!

I am so fueled with rage right now. I called and SMS-ed asking about the ‘status’ – now I am about to push off from school at 12 pm, will the idea to drive all the way to Serendah to Darussyifa’ still relevant? Let say if after two hours driving (with congested traffic, etc), I’ve arrived at Seri Kembangan-Lake Field and were told that ‘everything is settled’; how am I supposed to go back to Serendah in the peak of office hour at 4pm-5pm? Irregardless, I would have to go back after Maghrib prayer if I were to be there to avoid congested traffic!!! But of course, NO REPLY WHATSOEVER; until now as I am jotting down this! God, please let me be patient. Sbar.

 

Part of my emotional alter-ego is so enraged; bu another part of my rational alter-ego tells me that when a needy person that is sick, I have to be patient. That is the key. I don’t know. Part of me wanting to be the best for you and be with you whenever you need because when I was in dire need, you made efforts to be my savior. Part of me asking myself to be patient and shun off the frustration. But part of me is hurt. I don’t know. Blog is the only way to keep me sane. I never liked Siti Nurhaliza’s song “Terbaik Bagimu” (The Best For You) because of its mundane melody – but the lyrics speak what I feel now. The dilemma :-

I guess this is a lesson in my life so that I will exercise patience. I can only do the best I can although I would never be the best. In that case, I won’t feel any qualm because – I have done my part. 

Rasaku kamu ada
di setiap sedih dan juga senangku
rasanya kamu sudah menjadi bintang
terang hidupku

Chorus:
Masih kurang rasaku
mencintai hatimu
ingin aku jadi terbaik bagimu

Masih kurangkah aku
menyayangi hatimu
mahu aku mengganti setiap
sukar mu dengan tenang

Rasaku kamu ada
di saat senyum juga tangisku
Rasanya Kamu sudah jadi yang
terbaik bagi aku.

NOTIFICATION UPDATE :-

Being me, I am not the person who suppress dissatisfaction. So, I called for the umpteenth times and finally was answered. I can’t embed that negative energy inside. I decided to be honest and transparent in what I felt about this morning. Alhamdulillah, everything was received in open heart. And apparently, this morning session managed to mollify the pain endured. Initially, I was hesitated but I believe we are both adult and able to accept each other’s opinions. So I spoke up and Alhamdulillah.

I guess in a way it is good to illustrate the fact that during weekdays, it would be mostly impossible for me to leave my work to cater for the needs, 49 kilometres apart. On contrary during weekends, I could give my all. By setting that, we both finally found a fine line of truce. Alhamdulillah.

My Promise @ Sihr, Djinns Or Infested Food : The Defense Against The Dark Arts @ Pusat Persatuan Kebajikan & Pengubatan Islam Malaysia Darussyifa’ , Seksyen 1 Bandar Baru Bangi.

Alhamdulillah. That’s all we can say at this juncture of time. I guess the idea to go to Darussyifa’ is worthy although I had to apply for a day-off. The change is positive after the 1st treatment – from the distraught and weak face and body in the morning – into a zestful enlightened facade with rebound appetite to eat!

Ybg Tuan Guru Dato’ Dr. Haron Din.

We arrived at Pusat Persatuan Kebajikan & Pengubatan Islam Malaysia Darussyifa’ in Seksyen 1, Bandar Baru Bangi circa 8.30 a.m. There were already quite number of people thronging the place. I am quite familiar with the area as I did come across it when I went to my USM coursemate’s house, Lin for Hari Raya – which situated not far from it- around 2 or 3 years ago. Unfortunately, the maestro of the Islamic health practitioner, the renowned Ybg Tuan Guru Dato’ Dr. Haron Din only works on Tuesday. But anyway, we proceeded.

We don’t idolize him as a saint. He is just a human but blessed with ability to help others. We seek solace from ALLAH SWT; and with the help bestowed through Islamic practitioners like Ybg Tuan Guru Dato’ Dr. Haron Din.

After waiting for around half an hour, the name was called. I followed to the aligned counters where the Islamic health practitioners were doing their treatments to the patients. I think this is another eye-opener experiencing. In this modern epoch world, skeptical eyes would accuse that ‘blackmagic’ and ‘whitemagic’ are simply ridiculous and illogical to the scientific minds, no? BUT BEHOLD! The mystical creatures co-exist with humans and they are the creation of ALLAH SWT, as well.

I could see a lot of people there with his and her own sad stories and illnesses. Some were due to jealousy in business (restaurant owner); some due to ‘tuju-tuju’ (black magic through wind). I saw myself a woman who was treated by one of the Islamic health practitioners suddenly became comatose; the head lolled in accordance to the finger touch of the health practitioner. As the recital of the Quranic verses became vehement, the woman became weaker and in the end had to be helped into another small room! Another case was a woman who was having bad cough. As the recital became louder and the finger-thumping on the back became vigorous, the cough became heavier and heavier and she threw up something (I guess it is the process of regurgitating the ’embedded black magic in the vein’). Masya ALLAH!

Our session was conducted by a good-nature practitioner called Ustaz Abdullah. I didn’t sit near to the session as to respect the privacy between them; and later I was told that according to Ustaz Abdullah; this is most possibly not due to Sihir (curse) or Djinn (devils) as the symptoms were not as bad as those who are of those two sources. But it could be due to the ‘infested food’ (not microbiologically speaking; but spiritually. The food must have been tainted with some black magic elements – either intended or accidentally) – and was consumed and now becoming toxin in the blood. That explains all the symptoms experienced such as :-

• failure to sleep;
• lose appetite to eat;
• shivering for no reasons;
• the body becomes flush hot instantaneously;
• emotional whispers in heart and mind – constantly fueled with anxiety;
• skin felt as if someone is jabbing with sharp things;
• feeling numb;
• the eyes feel sore and as if there were sands thrown to the eyes.

We missed by a day! He was there yesterday, on weekly basis.

After a few times of massaging and Quranic verses recital, Ustaz Abdullah said he had already cast out the ‘bisa’ (venom; black element in the body). The session was whisked to another room. I didn’t enter the room but I was told that it is the room to enhance the ‘regurgitation of any embedded blackmagic elements in the body’. Alhamdulillah; even after 3 times, there seemed to be nothing coming out from the body; unlike the first treatment we did last year September 2014 due to another lesser-serious reason (REFER to https://undomiel84.wordpress.com/2014/09/20/my-promise-pusat-rawatan-islam-as-syifa-bandar-baru-bangi-seksyen-15/).

The front compound.

I know for doubters, this is something ridiculous. But as a person with a degree in Microbiology which emphasizes my strong reliance on Science and medication; I have to admit that spiritual approach must be embraced as well. I don’t know; perhaps it is a Muslim thing – we believe that Science and Spiritual go hand-in-hand. Ustaz Abdullah said it would be best to do self-defense practice and being continuous (Istiqamah) in applying piety elements in everyday life. Try practice the Islamic cleansing and recite certain few Quranic verses and puff to the whole body as per what Prophet Muhammad SAW always did; and come back for 2-3 times to see whether the condition improves or deteriorates.

The front placard or signboard.

The change was immense! After the medication, I could the usual zestfulness and the positive energy emanated; whereas this morning, everything was sullen and depressing. The appetite to eat was somehow unlocked (I could see the body shrunk into scrawnier and thinner; the face sunken) and I was very happy to see that. Alhamdulillah!

Pusat Persatuan Kebajikan & Pengubatan Islam Malaysia Darussyifa’ in Seksyen 1, Bandar Baru Bangi.

The journey to recovery is far from over. But it is a good start. I am so happy that I have done my part as a selfless human. I have taken vow to show kindness to people who showed me kindness when I mostly needed it. And this also serves as lessons for both us. In situation like this, you will discover who are your real friends and foes. Some are just merryweather friends; some are just come-and-go; only those who stay and good listeners are precious gems.

The map.

I like liaising with Ustaz Abdullah. Very professional in customer service and handling his patients. For those who may have some mystical illness, do browse Darussyifa’ website for more information at http://www.darussyifa.org/. No fees are charged for the service!! Only you have to buy the water as “medium of health practices at home and for consumption” – depending on which one you want to buy ranging from RM2 to RM50. That is great! I am not sure whether it is because of the blessing from my Syawal Sawm (Puasa Sunat 6 Syawal) or whatever it is; but I know at least ALLAH SWT answers our prayers. Alhamdulillah.

Ustaz Abdullah doing the treatment. Professional with good social liaison as health practitioner and customer service etiquette. 

ALLAH Hu Akbar; God is Great!

My Promise @ Speaking My Mind Keeps My Sanity : Inspired By Friends & Colleagues.

Talking to people keep my mind sane. I can’t suppress problems. I need to siphon out – whether literally or metaphorically. Writing and blogging about problems also serve as therapy for me. Apart from that, I am also inclined to share stories with certain few people that I think can relate and understand my plights.

I am grateful to have few friends who are very attentive towards my condition as I have been expressing myself quite candidly (albeit via metaphorical words) in Facebook. I can’t deny that I am worry for the deteriorating condition. But hopefully all is well.

A friend related to me about her experience being harassed by “Santau” and how she practiced ‘Ayat Ruqyah’ (Quranic holy verses used for Islamic exorcism) and how after performing Umrah, Alhamdulillah that her condition became better. The experience did jeopardize the relationship with her old flame but God is Great – she finally found marriage with another worthy man. I feel so happy for her. But she said that for precautions, she still practices the “Ayat Ruqyah”. God bless her.

Another friend related her own anxiety attack experience when she was in Form 6. It was a dark moment and anti-depressants didn’t do justice. Finally, she relied to herself. By buttressing her own mental strength, she combated that depression paranoia as well as doing exercises and a lot of things to deviate her mind from too indulged with the problem – and finally manage to overcome that! I am so exhilarated and inspired by the story.

At school, I found solace in two colleagues. Of course, you don’t talk to people who are not good listeners. I talked to people I feel related to and with the same wavelength of mind and empathy alike.

 

The first colleague shared her own experience of depression when her mother died. She felt there was no use for her to live anymore. The purpose of living was gone, since her mother was the only parent living. For two years, she was like a zombie – did not or interact with others and preferred to be aloof (although she still maintained her excellence performance as an efficient teacher). Her headmistress was concern with her condition and persuaded the husband to move so that my colleague could start a fresh air and a new life. Finally, my colleague crawled back to the light and gradually rediscover herself.

But the most heart-wrenching experience was the one I heard today. A good-nature senior colleague with friendly face; I never knew that the face hided thousands sad stories. Apparently, she was attacked via “Santau Angin” from a man who was angry that his love was rejected by my colleague. The vow was that my senior colleague would never experience bliss and happiness for the rest of her life. Imagined that when she was about to solemnize the wedding, she experienced ‘mystical attack’! And not just that; another woman, apparently an Ustazah who happened to be a housemate also sent her ‘Santau’; which perhaps done due to suspicion that my colleague told people about the Ustazah’s alleged affair with a lecturer – which my colleague did not even pay any heed! Imagine an Ustazah getting indulged in the black magic! But my colleague is so strong. I am humbled by her experience. Despite experiencing continuous anger and distress for 12 years and blessed with 7 kids, she has successfully completed her Master’s Degree with 1st Class Honour. She is still suffering until today, despite 12 years the thing happened. I am amazed with her. I only pray that ALLAH SWT will pay back to the people who did these to her!

On whole, all of these experiences really humbled me. I want to take these people’s strength to motivate myself as well the one who is battling the possible problem, now. God bless, Insya ALLAH. 

My Promise @ Crying Like Crazy For Any Possibilities : No One Can Help But Ourselves.

I think I can go crazy just thinking about this. I can’t stop thinking about it. And what is worse, i can’t really connect that with anyone else. It is painful; and it hurts seeing the old pictures and I couldn’t bring myself seeing the latest picture WhatsApp-ed to me yesterday. The face lost its radiance.

Throughout the 5 years, every night I will receive calls asking about my whereabouts and my well being. My unanswered calls will be replied later on; with gentle voice although the physical is intimidating, for those who don’t know. And now, it is hard; even to hear the voice. 

I am crying vehemently on the attic here in Jitra, trying to hush the sobs so that my parents won’t hear. But I can’t help. Now I am feeling very weak. I feel like the devils are whispering all these thoughts and imaginations. What if the ending of this is death? Even if it is not death; will that jeopardize the focus at working place? All the healthy activities (running, trailing) we are fond of?

So many things in my mind. What if the plan with my Master’s Degree friends is a success and I have to be away from Malaysia for 3 month starting September-December? What if I get offer to study abroad for PhD; will I have the heart to leave someone who already have shown me extreme kindness for these 5 years, alone? What if these whole ‘anxiety-depression-mystical-lethargic’ has something to do with inherited ‘Saka’?

God, help us. It hurts inside. It really does hurt.

My Promise @ Mermaids’ Hair Cut For A Dagger Of Life : My Bald Fade Of Hope.

I flew to Jitra, Kedah this morning from KLIA2, taking the 7.10 a.m. flight. I felt helpless to be in Selangor or Putrajaya – so nearby but I can’t do anything to help assuage the pain you are having – so, might as well find a solace in the Land of Peacefulness (Darul Aman) here; even if it is for the brief 2 days-weekend.

Sultan Abdul Halim Airport.

I have to admit that I am very affected by the revelation I had last night. When I get positive updates, I felt exhilarated a bit but when I hear setbacks, I am crestfallen. But, I cannot let that conquer my whole mind and emotion.

 

As an effeminate androgynous male (I have no qualm on admitting that; I am fairly embracing my nature), having full-volume hair on the head is somewhat a prime asset – it adds to the coquettish feature (as lame as it may sound). I never gone as much as bald except when I performed Umrah last year.  But today I have decided to go bald fade (the No.3-cut; I don’t know how to put it in English because in Malay, you usually quip as that ‘Potong No.1, No.2, No.3 or NO.4’ in reference to the types of hair razor used) like what I did last year for my Umrah. It is not “Nazar”nor it is an oath or a promise. 

 

But it serves as an act of my own hope that your deteriorating health will improve. This is not some kind of holy sacrificial deeds that related to Shirk (idolatry or polytheism) but this is just my way to accentuate my hope that I will go to extra miles – to help you getting better, Insya ALLAH. Deep down, I also hope that my Syawal Sawm are blessed my ALLAH SWT (today is already my 4th day!) and hopefully ALLAH SWT accepts that. They said a prayer whispered during Iftar has miracles. I hope my wishes are granted. 

Produced in 1975, Marina, the little mermaid in Anderusen Dōwa Ningyo Hime was similar to the original version written by Hans Christian Andersen, unlike the Disney’s version. Her sisters sacrificed their hairs to be transformed into a dagger so that Marina can kill the prince.

I couldn’t help but to reminisce what I did today as per the original tragic story of “The Little Mermaid” written by Hans Christian Andersen (not the Disney’s happy ending version!). In the fable, the little mermaid’s sisters cut their hair and gave them to the Sea Witch to be transformed into a dagger, so that Little Mermaid can use the dagger to kill The Prince.

Hairs cut – for a dagger or a knife. Sacrifice. That is my symbol of hope, as well.

But of course for me, cutting the hair is just symbolic way to show my sincerity and my willingness for dedication and loyalty – as Moslem, we believe in the Power of ALLAH SWT. Amin, God bless. 

My Promise @ Ayat Ruqyah For Islamic Exorcism & Serendipity Of Serenity.

The zenith of my melancholy emerges today. I was told that on Saturday, the whole day would be dedicated for an Islamic approach and it could take the whole night. So, I thought perhaps we could meet up tonight after 3 weeks – and I also plan to fly back to Jitra for Saturday & Sunday. All was manageable; until I received the call circa 6 p.m.; after I bought meals for my Iftar (my 3rd day of Syawal Sawm a.k.a. Fasting).

I was told that the body felt extremely lethargic and hence, the rendezvous tonight wouldn’t be materialized, as per planned. I was fine with that but it’s just because it has now been 3 weeks since the isolation, and I haven’t have any glimpse of the physical, just yet. My heart thumped when I was told that a lot of the friends & colleagues acknowledged the extreme shrinking of the sturdy to scrawny. The voice sounded very tiresome and I became more anxious when I was told perhaps that was because of the sleepless state as well as the deterioration of appetite to eat. The cheerful voice that used to tease and provoked me whenever there were to be any chances – has lost its zestfulness. That really make me sad.

Suddenly, a new news came about. I was told that tonight, a friend who knows someone who is good with Islamic approach will take a look. There would be recital of Ayat Ruqyah to ‘alleviate the possibilities’. My heart beat faster. This is worse than I thought. I broke down a bit but managed to reinstate my composure – I remembered what Siti Nurhaliza quoted in the interview that although she felt sad seeing the meager state of her injured husband, she said she had to remain stoic (or rather to be seen stoic) so that her husband will have the spirit – I need to be as strong as that, too! 

We try. We will fight – with ALLAH’s grace. 

For those who are not familiar; Ayat Ruqyah are Quranic verses that are usually used to exorcise djinns, devils, etc. As Moslem, we believe there are the possibilities as Islam acknowledges the presence of the mythical beings as they are also creations of ALLAH SWT. Apart from science approach (REFER to https://undomiel84.wordpress.com/2015/07/23/my-promise-my-sncere-sacrifice-is-our-placebos/), I also believe in the spiritual medication. This should go hand-in-hand with modern medical approach.

Nevertheless, after the telephone conversation took place, the melancholic overwhelmed feeling overpowered my composure. I began to cry and sob. All the memories of 5 years played in my mind. It began to dawn to me that perhaps this could be the end of my happy life I have been leading for the past 5 years. How could I not well up? My mind flashed back from 2010 :-

Someone who saw me when I dwelt in that wooden house with bats; someone who chauffeured me when I  only had a bike; someone who helped with my housing loan relentlessly (even making some urgent calls to the procrastinating officer of Kementerian Perumahan); someone who loyally waiting to dine with me after my every Master’s Degree classes (mostly just to keep me well-fed after focusing so much in my classes and dash back-and-fro from school to UPM);  – someone who is seemingly intimidating from the outside but on the inside, comes with the most sincere heart, kind & genuine. 

So, how could I not be overwhelmed when I think about all the kindness shown to me for the past 5 years, despite my childish tantrums and antics? It is the heart. It is the soul. So, how could I desert when I am mostly needed, now? Now as an orphan although as much as we are already in ripe age, losing parents will have tragic scar. I cried when I remembered the words :-

“I have no one else in this world. I can only depend on you, now I am in this helpless state of health”.

I felt I am not as strong as I thought I would be. But I won’t give up. I can’t be too emotional. It won’t help us. But strong will can help us to survive. We will fight – to live.

After Isya’ at UPM Mosque just now, I heard in IKIM.fm on stories of Prophet Yaakub A.S. (Jacob). He was tested by ALLAH SWT with various challenges that could rip any men’s sense of patience; from one to another. But he persevered. I felt that ALLAH SWT deliberately destined me to listen to this. It was as if ALLAH’s way of telling me to be patient. I know it sound silly or to good to be true; but that’s what I felt. And while driving, I became so overwhelmed that I began to cry madly – when coincidentally, a song entitled “Tenang” (Calm) by Opick (an Indonesian religious singer) was played!

I felt it was ALLAH’s sign for me to keep myself calm; that ALLAH SWT actually hears my prayers and plights, despite my weaknesses as a flawed Moslem. As I am jotting these words, I am still crying – thinking about ALLAH’s love and the blesses bestowed to my life, despite me not being the best Muslim. With the lyrics sung, I felt that ALLAH is giving me signs for me to stay calm – to go through these with open heart. Accept every Qada’ & Qadar; and come what may.

To keep crying until my eyes swell will not solve the problem. It is good to express the anxiety and sadness with tears once a while; but I vow not to let that conquers me. I will try to be strong. I need to be strong. I must be strong. This is life, the reality.

Terseret kabur Dalam waktu yang gelisah
Menghitung diri hanya Retakan Resah
Udara Putih Penuh Keluh Penuh Kesal
Segala di mimpi tak menentu dan Lelah

Melepaskanlah beban dalam jiwamu
Pasrahkanlah Hidup hanya Padanya
Basuh Wajahmu Tenangkan Hati
Sujud Hanya padanya

Dia yang pengasih lebih dari terkasih
Dia yang penyayang penuh cinta
Tak pernah tinggalkan dirimu terluka
Dia yang selalu di dekatmu

Tenang… Tenang… Tenang…. Tenanglah Bersabarlah Allah mendengarmu Oh. Tenang.Tenang.Tenanglah Percayalah Allah Menyayangimu.