Amarah : Anger Of Strangers.

Anger comes when the heart is displeased. From the observation. From the intuition. From the experience. Once can never  quench the thirst of anger if one refuses to accept the reality. Freedom comes when you learn to let go. Often in life, you thought you know a person well. But you don’t. Strangers come in many masqueraded facades waiting to feast on you with their seemingly benign yet unknowingly malicious animal instinct. The mask will only reveal the true self when the vermin were to be angry, jealous or comfortable in comfort-zone.

Vermin comes in various forms. Some are sexually-driven. Some are possessive. Some are adamant. Some are into hunting process. Some are persistent. Some are nonchalant. So, how you unmask to reveal the real deal? You wait. Time will tell. And of course The Law Of God will assist along the way too. The vermin will feast on other easy preys too and after a while realize that the easy preys are also predators. When the time comes, the vermin will crawl back seeking the Precious One! Hahaha. This tells everything. If you try to make everything work and be the most honest in relationships, could the other party will be doing the same to you? To those who has the chance to experience this genuine saccharine of honesty, I congratulate you and I am happy for all of you. As for me; I’ve got many people interested in me as well as I am curious about others; nonetheless, they all merely mists in the air : They chill your body with their freezing presence but they are purely non-existence to be seen with naked eyes. Unreliable.

Still, one way to alleviate anger is to revert to The Almighty. I am not the most pious and I am not the most rebellious. But I still have faith in God SWT. I just hear this new duet song entitled “Amarah” (Anger) from Siti Nurhaliza featuring Kris Dayanti. As someone who adore language, the lyrics catch me deep. Although the first few stanzas of the song are feminisme-accentuated, but I believe that the others are universal. I like the way the lyricist puts the words together especially “Ku Takkan Tunjukkanku Amarah.” Ponder the meaning. Because I won’t show I am angry.

Kau tak bisa hapuskan amarah
Walaupun engkau tahu
Aku mahu kamu mahu
Aku tahu kamu tahu
Dan ku takkan tunjukkanku amarah
Kerana aku tahu segala yang berlaku
Tetap akan berlaku

Di mana kudratku
Dia yang menentu
Dia yang menentu

Lust, Cautious.

It’s been quite sometime since I last jot down something on this blog. Been busy with professional and personal lives. Alhamdulillah so far, I have begin to get used with my surrounding at Serendah although still in the process of adapting to the new place. Within this period of a month I started my career as a teacher, I’ve already taste the culture of a so-called Government institution. Well, perhaps it’s not just working in Government- it happens in every places where people love to talk and take advantage of easy targets.

In terms of professional affiliation with people around, so far I have no problem. But I’ve noticed that some people tend to cross the boundary and try to seek opportunity to quench their insatiable personal intentions and needs. Maybe it’s because of my ‘unique’ facade that trigger them. I don’t know. But honestly, I am not interested. Nonetheless, I take this as a challenge in life. Without challenges, life will be a mundane one, aite? I believe that Allah SWT will protect me. Insya Allah.

Welcome To Serendah : Provincial. Mythical. Tranquil.

Almost 3 weeks  I now base in this provincial town of Serendah. A small town with few population of Chineses, Indians and Indigenous People; apart from majority of them are Malays. So far, life has been pretty nice and this far, I am adjusting and gelling with the simple life here quite alright.

As far as my professional life is concerned, everything so far is all fixed in the jigsaw puzzle. The Headmaster, the senior administrators, the senior teachers and the pupils give good cooperation and very helpful. I guess it’s a normal procedure to be in a new place to respect and humble yourself and seek guidance from the seasoned players in the new place; like what the Malay maxim used to proclaim – “manis mulut orang pun selesa.” The teachers are very helpful when the greenhorns ask questions; so far (,”). The kids are alright- I mean kids being kids; there are times they are being mischievous but once you set the rules, it should be OK although repetition is quite routine!

As far as my personal life is concerned, I am quite lucky to be able to get a nice place here. Not far from the school and not far from the commuter station. There are bank, grocery shops, foodstalls and many more just around the corner. It’s just like Jitra except that it’s more tranquil. Every night in the middle of the silence of nights, you can hear frail railways glitches of commuter and old train from distance; it gives the ‘authentic’ element of an old small town. The provincial town is surrounded by hills; so every morning is so cold. The place also boasts a secluded waterfall and so-called ‘Perigi 7′ claimed to be a dwelling place for mythical elves (‘bunian’). Besides that, there is also a modern village of the Indigenous People located nearby.

On whole, my life here in this small town Serendah is alright. Instead of a room I was scouting, I got a house with an affordable RM250 per month. And I’ve got Internet access here (which is very important) and all other trivial urban facilities. So far, this is the place I was hoping for to be allocated; a country-side primary school; not in the heart of a town nor too rural that transportation deemed to be hard. This is exactly what I’ve been yearning for. I pray to Allah SWT to bless me and protect me from men’s evil intentions. As a new person, I am still learning the culture of Serendah. (,”)

Happy New Year 2010 : Look At Your Life Through Heaven’s Eyes.

Today is 1st January 2010. Marks the day I am about to begin my life at Sekolah Kebangsaan Serendah, Selangor. The first school I am about to teach. The first school in the canvas of my education career. The first school I am about to receive my payment as a Government civilian. It’s all mixed feelings now- excitement and anxiety.

I was informed by the Pejabat Pendidikan Daerah (PPD) Hulu Selangor on 30th December and was asked to take the letter by Ministry Of Education on 31st December- which is the day after. So, you can imagine how topsy-turvy the atmosphere was; everything was fast and quick. No time to be wasted. After settling all the important documents pertaining my posting, we pushed off to Putrajaya around 6 P.M. and reached my sister’s house approximately 2.30 A.M. On 7 0′clock the next morning, we pushed off to Kuala Kubu Bharu, which is where the PPD Hulu Selangor is; collect the letter and off to Serendah. I was so relieved and thankful to Allah SWT because the place is A FAR CRY from my worst imagination that I’ve always been pyscho-ing myself with for this past one year. Throughout this year, I’ve already prepared myself mentally to be deported to rural area with no electricity and no clean water; bad modes of transportation; and surrounded by wild animals (tigers, wild boars)- like what my friends in rural area used to describe. But, God is Almighty. When you put everything to His Hands, everything would be smooth-flowing with unexpected saccharine cremes! I am allocated at a town primary school where the facilities are well-equipped! As a matter of fact, my school is allocated in a housing estate compound (‘rumah-rumah taman’) and the Serendah Commuter Station is just opposite the place. What a bless. When you look your life through Heaven’s eyes and not on Earth with emotion, Allah SWT will bless you! Alhamdulillah, so far!

Allah SWT wanted to test the patience. I was told that the school’s quarters are full; I would have to scout for a rent house. For the whole day (being tired and lethargic), my parents and I scouted for rent houses but proved to no avail. With  empty-stomachs, caught in traffic jams under the scorching hot weather  and countless detours, tantrums were on the peaks. So, we decided to go back to Pak Ngah’s house at Batu Arang, Rawang. Luckily since Pak Ngah was an ex-army and he had a lot of army friends at Serendah, I managed to secure a rent house with a VERY GOOD affordable price! A million thanks to Pak Ngah’s friends – Pak Cik Man & Pak Cik Din.

So this upcoming 4th January 2010, I will begin my first day there. So far, the people at PPD told me that the Headmaster is a very reputable person as a caring person towards the staffs. So far after I reported myself there, everything seems OK. I pray to Allah SWT that my life there will be smooth-flowing; although I am sure that there will be a  lot of emotionally and physically challenging events in the upcoming calendar as a teacher.  To all my KPLI friends who will be starting the education career like me, I bid “Good Luck!”  Insya Allah, I hope I can weather all the challenges in this career. May the Year 2010 which marks the first year as a Government Civilian goes well. Like the lyrics in “When You Believe” from the OST ‘Prince Of Egypt’ that always motivates me when I am down - ‘There can be miracles when you believe.’

There can be miracles, when you believe
Though hope is frail, it’s hard to kill
Who knows what miracles you can achieve
When you believe, somehow you will
You will when you believe

Dignity : Snake Shredding New Skin.

Perhaps this will be my last entry for the year 2009. Wow, a year passes by like a blink of an eye. I have completed my one-year crash course KPLI training as a teacher and here I am about to be posted somewhere in Hulu Selangor. Pondering back, the year 2009 elevates me to a whole new world and teaches me more about life as it is.

Making a bold decision to ditch a comforting career and embarking an uncertain path was the beginning of this year. Alhamdulillah throughout this year, I’ve met remarkable people and I’ll never forget them. This year has been a crazy one; and a passionate one too. But of course, people come and go. Yet, the ones who are loyal remain in the heart because you know they care from their gestures and tokens of appreciations. I also will be leaving my 25th years of life though my facade still remain unscathed by the wrath of time. Getting older, different priority.

To make a transition from a private sector citizen to Government also was no easy task. Still, I embrace the fact I am now a Government civilian and my loyalty is to the organization I serve, Insya Allah. But of course, I speak my heart. I don’t intend to play hide-and-seek to deny any sloppiness I see along the way. Nonetheless, I guess along with the upcoming experiences, I shall be able to master the culture and the arts of becoming a Government civilian.

To my ex-pupils at SK Sultanah Asma (if any of you are reading this), Sir wishes a prosperous year ahead; to my other KPLI mates who are now scattered throughout Malaysia, I wish all the best and be sincere in whatever deeds we do; to my loved ones, thank you for being supportive and I’ve learned that if it is strong, it will not be shaken; and to myself, I wish a prosperous year 2010 in the school I am about to be allocated. It will be hard and uneasy journey but if you put your mind, passion and faith to it, you will do your classic cliche – “Come. See. Conquer.”

Never lose the dignity although you are tempted with luscious whispers. Be honest to yourself and Allah SWT will always protect you, Childlike. (,”)

Alhamdulillah. Crippling The Veins Of An Oasis.

My heart hurts. It feels like a subtle knife piercing through the artery; crippling the veins. But, it is not something I don’t expect. I know that it is never a strong one. Never the solid one. Never the purest of all. Never the holy realm. Still, it is good that you don’t expect it to be your priority because at the end of the day when things collapse, you don’t go shattered. You can’t complain much. It’s expected. Your heart is darkened, your instinct pulls the trigger.

It feels like one is an oasis in the middle of a scorching hot desert. Travellers are drawn to the oasis for the greeneries lushes. To hard to resist to quench the unbearable thirst. Travellers would want to have a sip in the oasis and gone (as much as they deny vehemently). That’s a known fact. In the end, oasis is ring-fenced; only letting travellers peeping through the fences, yearn to savor and devour what lie on the oasis.

All the oasis can say : Alhamdulillah!

The Pagemaster Of History : Another “Avatar”.

By now, I am all self-proclaimed “Avatar” maniac! Call it it a nerdish-geeky fetishism, new world-cult, fantasy-absorbed ectasy – ANYTHING! I don’t give a damn. All I’m saying; I can’t get enough of Pandora, Na’vi and the world of “Avatar” y’all! (,”). So, went to see the flick for the 2nd time and although this time still sans 3D, it is worthwhile to watch and savor the mythical world simply by devouring it through 2D perspective.

Apart from my fanaticism, I also wanna point out the gist of the story. Settlers come to a foreign land dwelled by Aborigine tribes; try to ‘educate’ the savages in accordance to their point of views; and snatch whatever wealth the land has. It’s cliche and hackneyed-yet, the content is a definite reflection to pages of the human civilization history. If we were to ponder back to Book of History, these kind of events occurred almost every parts of colonization-and-slavery accounts (I am historical buff a.k.a. freak). The most popular comparison I can draw the attention is to the history of Pocahontas; which is somewhat somehow is similar to the essence of the movie “Avatar”.

The English settlers came to America to discover ‘New World-with-gold’ and only to show the Native Americans that the way of the English was the way of the world. The aborigines were dubbed as ’savages’ just simply because the Aborigines don’t think and look like the English settlers. Same case happened in India, Indonesia and South-East Asia! I think the movie ‘Avatar’ is good in sense that it reminds that although a colony is different from the other colony in terms of appearances or way of lives, doesn’t mean the other colony has the right to SURPRESS them! In this question, who is the savages now?

Besides the good essence of the movie, I am also captivated with the music arrangement by James Horner. It’s an undeniable that James Cameron was an excellent director but it is Horner’s masterpieces that bring the ‘feel’ and ‘emotion’ to every sequences. James Horner worked his magic like what he did in ‘Titanic’ but this time he put some tribal element and mythical sounds in the composition. I have the feeling he’s going to score another Oscar for his work in ‘Avatar’.

Like I said in the previous entry, the colors and the technology are super-marvellous. And I have to say James Cameron succeed in creating a new realm of fantasy of his own; on par with what Geoge Lucas did with Star Wars! The language, the characteristics, the panorama- everything is two-thumbs-up for the illustration of Pandora! I want to be a Na’vi!!!! *eeek?* LOL!

Inspirasi : Walau Kita Berkasih, Sahabat Tali Tasbih.

Kadangkala kita rasakan kesedihan dan penderitaan yang kita alami sangat dalam. Tapi hakikatnya, penderitaan orang lain lebih perit dan berat dari apa yang kita tanggung. Bila kita renung, congak dan cerap kembali, rasanya pergolakan emosi kita hanya bagai jenaka dalam alam semesta; klise dan tak menjadi kudis. Kita bertuah kerana mempunyai kelompok rakan yang setia dan mulia. Susah senang dikongsi bersama. Ada suka dan duka dirasa bersama. Alam remaja, alam berkerja, alam bercinta, alam sengsara, alam budaya… semuanya berpaut-bahu menyokong menongkah arus hidup.

Hari ni sebenarnya hari yang bergelojak. Sarat dengan pertembungan emosi dalam rumah. Puncanya benda yang remeh-temeh dan agak tak masuk akal jika dikupas satu-persatu. Tetapi hakikat yang perlu diterima apabila dibesarkan dalam keluarga unit kecil dan Melayu tipikal, reaksi sekelumit cuma pun akan dibesar-besarkan secara perang ‘dingin.’ Di sinilah datangnya sahabat. Biarlah kita berkasih; sahabat juga  akhirnya menjadi tali tasbih.

Rasa sedih kita dipudarkan dengan cerita yang ditanggung sahabat. Pergolakan antara adik-beradik yang direnggangkan oleh rasa amarah dan juga dilema antara ketaatan sebagai anak atau mengikut kata kekasih hati banyak merentap emosi dan rohani sahabat. Meskipun dirundung masalah yang menimpa, sahabat sentiasa punya dedikasi dan akauntabiliti terhadap kerjayanya. Reaksi yang dibalas terhadap keluarga yang mengguris hati adalah seperti membalas curahan tuba dengan susu : Yang jahat dibalas kebaikan. Masih juga tidak lelah menjalankan tanggungjawab sebagai anak. Masih juga berpegang teguh pada keluarga bangsa. Masih juga bertindak sebagai anak yang paling diharapkan di kalangan saudara yang mabuk di awangan. Sepanjang perkenalan, sahabt seorang yang tidak mudah putus asa dan kuat dari segi mental dan fizikal. Tetapi episod melibatkan keluarga membuatkan air mata jatuh. Pun begitu, masih taat pada ibu bapa dan saudara.

Kita seorang yang punya rasa empati tinggi. Kesusahan sahabat membuatkan kita sedar yang walaupun kita bersedih, ingatlah ada lagi yang lebih parah menanggung peritnya sedih. Dan, ia menjadi inspirasi bagi kita mengharungi hari.

The Phantasmagoria Realm Of “Avatar” : Ethereal!

Who would ever thought James Cameron, the muscle behind “Titanic” will give labour to an infused fantasy genre a la ‘Pocahontas-meets-Transformers-meets- Lord Of The Rings’ masterpiece? Well, welcome the “Avatar”; masterpiece that boasts Cameron’s 14 years of imagination and vision- in forms of cute big eyed bluish primeval of Pandora, no less! (,”)

Jack Sully & Neytiri

Zoe Saldana as Neytiri

I went to see the film with Syahrir and Firdaus Sulhi last night at Jitra Mall cineplex. How my rating goes? 4 stars outta 5 stars! The narration was alright;  the colors used to illustrate Pandora and the mythical realms were a mixture of fluorescent and vibrant colors; the music composition by James Horner suits every sequences and give the additional touch of ‘raw-ness’ to the sequences; the actors did great job especially Zoe Saldana (who happened to star in quite impressive line-ups of movies but yet to emerge as a powerhouse actress; this could be her REAL breakout to the Tinseltown!!) who plays Neytiri & Stephen Lang who portrays the main villain, Colonel Quaritch!

Although the film comes with a cliche plot (colony conquers a land dwelled by aborigine native tribes and try to dig up the wealth from the land : like ‘Pocahontas’), the spectacular technology used to translate the fantasy world of Pandora into silverscreen is ETHEREAL. I honestly felt like as if I were in that world. It’s so magical! It’s a no wonder that James Cameron is getting all the Golden Globe and potential Academy Awards nods for this movie- and not to forget the heart-wrenching OST theme song for the movie, “I See You”, sung by British chanteuse, Leona Lewis which definitely put cherry on top of the icing.

After the movie, we went for a light supper at a warung nearby. I ordered a char kueow teow (which was not tasty at all) and an oblong. You know what is an oblong? Obviously the name explains the shape; but it is actually bread with beef sandwiched between it- like a hotdog except the usual burger beef replaces the sausage. That one, is TASTY! (,”). On whole, it was a great movie and no miscellaneous setback hampered my night. Hehehe..

I see you ..
Walking through a dream
I see you
My light in darkness breathing hope of new life
Now I live through you and you through me
Enchanted
I pray in my heart that this dream never ends

I see me through your eyes
Living through life flying high
Your life shines the way into paradise
So I offer my life as a sacrifice
I live through your love

You teach me how to see all that’s beautiful
My senses touch your word I never pictured
Now I give my hope to you
I surrender
I pray in my heart that this world never ends

A Wild Heart Kept In Cage : Terrified In The Chest. Must Pass This Test.

Shahrill Ramli is one stubborn and compulsive childlike : The flaws that I have are potential threats in jeopardizing my relationships with people around me. It has become like a deadly paranoia that keeps creeping and crawling into the head, poisoning the mind with the worst assumptions. It takes a lot of patience and determination for someone to affiliate with me; let alone building an intimate one; to reach out to this disturbed soul.

Generally, Shahrill Ramli is a good person but is wild at heart put in cage : I put this childlike and naive persona but deep inside I am quite rotten. I am full of vengeance, defensive and self-emotionally-mutilation. Yet, I have compassion towards those who are in needs and downtrodden. The opportunity to carve a new beginning in someone’s else lives is quite attractive for me instead of pursuing the glamorous glitz of lives in the metropolitan world. I am also weird in sense that if I were to become emotionally attached to someone, I would become obsess and keep pestering the person and eventually it would ruin the relationship. It’s like the urge of domineering; which demands patience and unconditional love to tame the wild beast.

It is so often when I am alone, the darker side will come and trigger lots of unhealthy thoughts and compulsive intuitions. Only when I am with people, my childlike persona will unfolds and takes charge and people automatically assume that I am always that perky. Although I’d love to be surrounded by people and interact with them, I do prefer to be alone and recluse sometimes. I guess I am the classic case of being an ambivert.

That’s why, I treasure those who stand by me. It means a lot to me though I may not able to express the recognition verbally. Whatever I write here are pieces from my inner soul. I tend to realize I am the reflection of  motto “Quod Me Nutrit Me Destruit- “What nourishes me also destroys me.” But someone brushed it off for me – “Right, so live with it forever!!!” Sounds harsh but just to remind me. Honestly, I am so scare because it is me. I am the living fraction of the motto. But I am willing to confine that alter-ego. If that what it takes to make it work. Insya Allah.