Au Revoir KPLI Science 1/2009 : The Beginning Of An Ending.

What can I say; Alhamdulillah- Praises to Almighty SWT for the miraculous experience! Thanks to Acyclovir and Calamine lotion, my chicken pox boils recede within merely a week. According to Mak, this is actually quite fast in comparison to the olden days where usually chicken pox could be vicious. The infected person would have to let all the boils popped out and then bear the itchiness and lied down upon a special leaf to ease the itchiness. Usually, the face would be full of the boils and could be quite grotesque! Even Tok, my grandmother was quite shocked to see my face back to normal facade merely within a week. Alhamdulillah!

It was an experience for me. It tested my emotional, mental and physical strengths- if not to the fullest; to a certain degrees. Imagine that you have to be out in the opening with your body containing contagious virus and your skin seemed dirty and grotesque?! Skeptical eyes were curious and sneered upon you- you can’t blame them to be that because by right you are supposed to be in isolated place; but because the attendace in KISSM course -Kursus Induksi Sistem Saraan Malaysia is such an imprtant course that I had to put everything aside and focus to simply make my attendance possible. But of course, I had the greatest classmates KPLI Science 1- they tried to act as if it was nothing and accompanied me to take meal during the gap of the sessions although it was actually quite contagious. To avoid public mingling, we always go to a secluded kafe; thanks Raymond, Nurul, Kak Yus, Sarah and Sue for being great companies; and also to my monitor Aidi who are very caring; also to respective lecturers like Miss Tina and my mentor, Puan Amani. It may seem cliche but when you were in that kind of position where your morale is plunged down into the abyss, helping hands and presence of friends around literally will lift you up.

Anyway, yesterday was my first outing get-together with everyone since I contracted the chicken pox; we went to Alor Star to commemorate the farewell of our one year tenure as teacher-trainee in IPGM Kampus Darulaman. It was a close-knitted and nostalgic event, I would say. Sincerely and honestly, I am glad I left my banking career and made a bold decision to choose teacher as my career and been blessed with opportunity to meet these wonderful people; my coursemates are the best. They tolerate my tantrums and trivial shenannigans and we are so like brothers and sisters. Throughout the span of 11 months here (commencing on 12th January 2009- refer to my old ENTRY), we had experienced all the ups and downs together as one unit.

It does seem like a blink of an eye. I’ve learned so many things during this course – First impression ISN’T always correct; being a teacher is not a bed of roses or simple like I used to think; I have to be strong mentally, physically and emotional to battle against public’s cynical and typical stigma.

KISSM will be over on this Wednesday (the exam!) and after that I will know the posting where I am about to teach. Mentally, I have already prepare myself for the worst- rural remote Borneo although rumors has it that this year, we may not being deport to the rural areas; still, I take this as challenge and adventure in life. Not everyone has the opportunity to mingle with ordinary people and do a bit of humanitarian deeds along the way. I guess maybe because I’ve always known that I destined to make a change in some poeple’s lives. I guess that is why I am drawn to Angie’s humanitarian side (apart of her weird fetish; like me). She’s like a role model and it is exciting to be able to inspire other people and contribute to a betterment of a person.

It’s like a saying in “Mulan” that I always remember - “One grain can tip the scale and is a difference between victory and defeat.”

When Chicken Pox Pays A Visit : Bless In Disguise.

I never get chicken pox, measles or smallpox all my life. But suddenly, during this last part of my KPLI course- during the KISSM Induction course, I contracted with the viral disease- chicken pox; which most probably contracted from my nephew, Rifqi.

A sample to depict Chicken pox!

The boils now are starting to spread all across my body and MY FACE! I was so scare that I will be forced out from this course; it would be a waste for me if I were to be forced out from the course just because of this infection. I was told that the outburts of these boils can be around 3-4 days. Today, I went through my first day with the boils all on my face. I felt like a leper or a person with a bad acne. But in a way, I was a bit curious about the idea of a person with bad acnes; it has been a long time since I last have acne-problem (which was a major problem back in high school). So I guess in a way, this experience is to humble myself, Insya Allah.

A person with leprosy. Leper.

I am so thankful that I have devoted parents and caring coursemate- Science 1. They tried to react like it was nothing but for precaution, I warned them not to mingle much with me. They tried their best not to make me feel secluded and even pre-apologize if they would have to distance themselves away from me due to the disease. It really touches me that these people are so caring towards me. I am sure going to miss them after this… *sad*

There will be another 2 days before the weekend! I anticipate the weekend so much so I can rest. I hope I can go through this course without any other external interference.. I pray to God SWT to protect me so taht I can complete this course. And it’s amazing that you will know who are your friends in time like this. I believe that everything is a bless in disguise by Allah SWT. To my Science 1 mates; thanks for the moral support – Raymond, Kak Yus, Diana and Sarah... I appreciate that very much. And to Ayah and Mak, thank you very much for everything..*hugs*

Damn Bloody Valentine.

I guess, sometimes I do expect some superfluous characters from others. I know imperfection is a nature as a human but it becomes a turn-off when what you expect don’t exceed the reality. It’s frustrating to learn that there are so many people who are interesting and tried to enter your life but ending up being someone who don’t fulfill the characters you always envisioned. Maybe the problem is with me. I am easily get bored? My libido turns on and off instantaneously? Green-Eyed monster? Egocentric? Refuse to be submissive when repressed? Defensive?

The time is running out and I shouldn’t waste my time for this. I should have been studying and work my ass off  for upcoming exam! Then again, the practical fiasco had absolutely deterred 80% of my motivation to succeed this course with flying colour! Being excel isn’t in the agenda anymore. Dammit, I can’t sleep tonite. *Geez*

It’s such a dirty mess imperfect at it’s best
But it’s my love, my love, my bloody valentine
Sometimes I wanna leave but then I watch you next to me
My love, my love, my bloody valentine
Maybe I should but still I just can’t walk away
Try to convince me once again that I should stay
Through all the brokenness this bleeding heart must confess
I love my love my bloody valentine

A Malay Dilemma : Confluence of Rural & Urban.

The polarization of  “Malay-ness” varies these days; which is a far cry from the days of Hang Tuah and The Malay Sultanate. There is a segregation between the so-called ‘urban’ Malays and the typical-and-ordinary-rural Malays.

Within the Malaysian society these days, an urban Malay is defined as the one who is very much embracing the Western culture, practicing clubbing-and-drinking-liquors as their staple diets, free-sex fornication amongst partners, able to converse and write in English very well, resides in town area and their lives are much absorbed with the Westernized assimilated traits. Whereas the rural Malays or the ‘typical’  are defined as the ones who are still rooted with the traditional lives, much-bounded with the authenticity of Malay cultures, deeply practicing pious and Islamic teachings, and are perceived with narrow-skeptical minds.

The serene paddy-vista landscape at Jitra, Kedah.

As a Malay who is born to a middle-class family; from a father who used to work as the Lans-Constable policeman and a mother who was a nurse, we don’t speak English. That’s why it always remain a mysterious thing amongst the people in my former neighborhood that on how a man who hardly knows how to speak English could nurture 2 children who are considerably loquacious in the language. Well, honestly I was kinda in bewilderment myself to recall back on how I could master the language; if not superior but better than some ‘modern’ Malays.

Life has exposes me to a certain degree of precious experiences. In my life, I have been mingling with all kind of people from different walks of life; especially for my race, the Malays. I’ve met urban Malays who practically fornicate with everyone he/she met along the way; I’ve met rural Malays who questioned on how I could get along with multiracial friends; I’ve met urban Malays who looked down at ‘typical’ people who don’t speak English; I’ve met rural Malays who try to boast their ass-off by using certain simple English words to impress-people-but-in-reality-don’t-know-how-to-speak-English. It always puzzle me to discover new traits between this segregation.

Zouk. A reputable ’socializing’ place in KL.

Personally, I consider myself as the confluence between urban and rural. I certainly couldn’t be a rural since I was born and bred in town and all my life, I’ve been quite ‘pampered’ by the modern facilities BUT I am also certainly couldn’t be an urban because my upbringing is deeply rooted to the traditional culture; and I don’t drink, clubbing and I am a virgin. I can say my proficiency in English helps me a lot to meet interesting people. In a way, I am blessed to Allah SWT for having this ability because there was NO WAY my sister and I could ever master English if given the circumstances of our typical Malay surrounding and atmospheres! I’ve met global entrepreneurs, diplomatic officers, national-level athletic coaches, bimbos-with-brains; all thanks to my English.

But looking back from the authentic root of my typical Malay childhood; would I ever want to trade it and aspire it to be the other way round? To lose the carefree days of climbing the tallest trees in the FRU Police Barrack at Padang Tembak, Penang? To lose the days of going to the Religious Class of Mak Cik Nen and did a convoy of bicycles with friends around FRU? To lose the days of collecting the “bekas-bekas peluru” from the Shooting Area (Lapangan Menembak)? NO WAY! I am just proud that I have the experience of all these ‘typicalities’ and of course unlike some of my acquaintances who had their first educations in UK or USA (because the parents were furthering studies, etc) or anything like that.

From corporate civilian to simple non-exclusive civilian. I miss my ex-colleagues in the Bank and those days mingling with them great people (I miss them!); but I belong in the ‘ordinary’ world. Teacher.

I am a domestic Malay. Although I do have my wildest-impulsive characters. I think I can suit myself with urban Malays and rural Malays; but I am inclined towards ‘rural-ness’. And I loathe hearing some ‘urban’ Malays condemning their rural counterparts; and vice-versa. I had the experience of ‘getting to know’ someone who was a professional corporate person; who happened to look down at my soon-to-be profession as a mere teacher. Well, no harm’s done. I am always better. I CHOSE not to be in that world. The world filled with egoism and free-fuck? Oopsie, I bailed myself out.

Alhamdulillah. To everything that is happening in my life now. I am truly GRATEFUL.

Tale Of Tooth &Tok.

The pain of having the wisdom tooth to emerge was really bugging me for the last 4 days. In the end, I thought of ending it by plucking it out. Little did I know that the post-impact of the removal was going to be a bit of ‘hell.‘ Honestly for me, it was a bit traumatic one in comparison to the one I had last year at Bandar Baru Bangi where it was generally an easy-and-smooth process.

Contoh Wisdom Tooth.

When I met the dentist and decided to have my wisdom tooth removed (since the painkillers do no justice to the gum), I thought it was simply gonna be a fast-and-easy one. First, the dentist injected the anaesthesia (ubat bius) onto the gum and waited until 15 minutes. Pada masa tu, my gum memang dah rasa numb and I felt like my lips swollen to the size of bee-stung lips!. Tunggu punya tunggu (time gone so slowly), the dentist begun his ‘operation’. Mulut saya dibuka habis-habisan dan segala peralatan dental dimasukkan. The dentist was actually having a hard time nak removed the tooth that he used all his might nak keluarkan gigi tu! So u can imagine, mulut saya kena twist dan dipulas kerana dentist berusaha nak keluarkan gigi yang keras tersemat dalam gusi tu! Honestly for me, injection jarum bukanlah sesuatu yang menakutkan and saya tak ada sebarang masalah; cuma apabila dentist memulas mulut untuk keluarkan gigi tu dengan kuat menyebabkan saya agak tersentak. Takut jugak! Setelah berjaya, dentist menjahit bahagian gusi wisdom tooth yang telah dikeluarkan untukmengelakkan pendarahan berlaku.

Sepanjang 2 jam pertama, kesan bius di mulut masih terasa lagi. Absolutely numb. Tetapi selepas tu, mulalah terasa sakit. Nak dijadikan cerita, mak dan ayah tak ada di rumah kerana menghantar Tok (grandma) ke Kuala Lumpur untuk pembedahan; jadi tinggallah saya seorang. Masa tu, hanya Allah yang tahu bertapa sukarnya nak telan air liur (saliva); rasa lapar yang amat sangat tapi tak boleh bercakap; nak makan pun tak boleh kerana laluan makanan dekat dengan tempat yang baru dijahit. Badan letih dan kepala pening tapi tak boleh tidur kerana jika tidak, air liur akan bertakung pada tekak. Pada masa tu, saya memang rasa nak menangis tapi tak boleh nak buat apa-apa dah. Perut mula mula pedih kerana makanan tak dijamah tetapi ubatan (painkillers dan antibiotik) dipaksa-telan. Mahu takmahu terpaksalah saya menyumbat masuk gumpalan nasi ke dalam tekak untuk melapik perut. Hanya Allah SWT sahaja yang tahu akan keadaan masa itu.

Me and Tok.

5 jam berlalu lebih kurang pukul 1.00 pagi, ayah dan mak sampai ke Jitra. Alhamdulillah, Tok dan dihantar ke klinik di KL di bawah jagaan Chu ‘Aq. Legalah sikit Mak dan Ayah dah balik dalam keadaan yang terjepit ni. Pagi ni, saya tak jadi ke Jamuan Hari Raya/ Majlis Anugerah Sekolah Cemerlang SK Sultanah Asma kerana keadaa tak mengizinkan. Apa nak buat, 2 perkara yang sepatutnya dilakukan bila berada di sana iaitu BERCAKAP dan MAKAN saya tak boleh lakukan; rasa rindu nak bertemu dengan bekas-bekas pelajar dan guru-guru terpaksa ditahan; nampaknya tak ada rezeki lah nak berjumpa. Tak apalah, kalau ada rezeki tu, bertemulah kita (mungkin 10 atau 20 tahun akan datang). Murid saya Auni, dari 3 Venus SMS saya tadi :

“Sir, kenapa Sir tak datang tadi? Saya bagitau Syifa Sir nak datang dia melompat dengan Elysha”

Apa-apapun keadaan bertambah baik walaupun kesan jahitan masih terasa di bahagian gusi tu. Suhu badan plak kadang-kadang panas dan Ok bila antibiotik dimakan. Pengalaman yang cukup tidak dapat dilupakan malam kelmarin *phew*. Mulut ni mcm dah tak ada fungsi. Bayangkan nak menangis pun suara tak keluar;sakit pula nak telan air liur. tapi yalah, saya manusia yang lemah. Ujian Allah yang sedikit ni pun membuatkan saya tak keruan. Saya bersyukur pada Allah SWT. Kata orang, sakit yang diberikan Allah SWT adalah sebagai penebus dosa yang dilakukan.

Basic Instinct : Door of Longing.

As a human, my nature is to wish happiness in everyone. It’s nice to see friends happy with their lives and you know they want to share it with you. But of course you can’t help but secretly feeling envious over that irregardless you have a loving family and kind friends around you. In the end, it always leads back to The Almighty. I am no pious human nor I am the most religious. I have so many flaws and weaknesses. But, I have made my principle to have the right to choose. I can never be the last resort or second fiddle. Maybe the wish is far-fetched but I still dare to dream. You know sometimes, instinct tells no lie. It maybe the original sin; but; basic instinct, it is.

Titisan hujan menangis. Dari awan mendung.

This is a song from Siti Nurhaliza’s “Tahajjud Cinta” entitled “Pintu Rindu” (Door of Longing). I usually buy her CDs but have yet to buy. I thought of googling it first for previews. I think this song is haunting in a  melancholic way. The lyrics are deep. The song speaks me. In volume. =(

Telah ku daki puncak tertinggi..
Telahku turun lembah dan gurun..2x

Tidak ku temu mana pintu mu..
Untukku seru rasa rinduku..2x

Telah ku daki puncak tertinggi..
Telahku turun lembah dan gurun..2x

Sungguh ku buta dalam cahaya..
Sungguh ku lupa tika bahagia..2x

Sedang kau dekat bukan dimata..
Sentuhku erat di pinggir jiwa

Sedang kau dekat di pinggir jiwa..2x

Biarkan airmata melimpah..
Biarkan luluh cinta tercurah..

Segala kasih rindu tertumpah..
Seluruh hati aku berserah..

Ya Allah….

Ku tunggu waktu bila bertemu..
Hidup matiku hanya untukmu..2x

Hidup matiku hanya untukmu..

Aildilfitri 2009 : Season For Forgiveness & Open Houses!

Syawal this year is quite a special one. The first year I am celebrating Eid as a teacher. Honestly, it’s a whole new feeling to celebrate this blessed season as a teacher in comparison to me being a banker for the last 2 years and also Microbiology students 3 years before that. That’s what is the most unique thing about life. The canvas with unpredictable colors (,”).

My not-really-a-baju-raya Makkah Robe @ 1st day raya.

As opposed to the Raya last year where I only got 3 days for Raya holidays, this year I am having a one full-week holidays. I am still trying to adjust myself with this new career which compensates the hectic-and-loads-of-responsibilities in form of  ‘guaranteed holidays!’ When I used to work in a bank, I was entitled for 26 days per annum; but now altogether, fixed holidays alone are 70++ days and excluding the 30 days emergency leaves per annum (if I am not mistaken! Still haven’t gone through the induction course yet). Nonetheless, what’s important is that I am comfortable with the new life as a teacher despite the cynical typical public impression. Being a teacher means I am playing with my strengths, rather than stuck in the bank where I had limited access to experiment with my strengths; only to dwell with the mediocre capability- coupled with lack of passion. Alhamdulillah, so far!

At Kampung Padang, Jitra.

Like previous years, my family always have lots of get-together during Eid. During the First Raya, Chu ‘Aq came to my house bringing his enormous entourage of sons and daughters hailed from KL. We then went to Mak Caq’s house in Alor Star. That evening I went to Kord’s Open House at Changloon and he took me around UUM compounds which was like so nearby of his house. It was nice to see the real authentic ‘kampung’  in Changloon and to Pak Cik Omar’s Open House at night. With briyani and satays  and asam laksa, it was a very interesting Raya to begin with!

The gathering at Aloq Staq.

On the Second Raya, we organized a get-together at my Tok’s house at Kampung Padang, Jitra. Mak Caq’s entourage from Lumut and Alor Star came to Jitra and you can imagined how congested the house was with Mak Caq’s and Chu ‘Aq respective entourages! But it was definitely something to be cherished. It’s all family affairs (,”). On the Third Raya, we had a get-together at Mak Caq’s residence in Alor Star; with Nasi Daging as the main menu! Kakak, Abg Zam and Rifqi came back from Pahang on that evening. Yesterday on the Fourth Raya, Mak cooked for entourages of relatives from Penang (Ayah’s side); My Mak Ngah Nah came with her entourages as well as Pak Long Mie (Ayah’s cousin) with his family. It was indeed a nice familial event and a rare chance to update what’s-hot-and-not in each other. After all, we are from the same blood and lineage; we are family, aite? And after that met up with Aris and his family at Darulaman Lake (squeezed time)!

Family Gathering at Taman Suria, Jitra.

Honestly, the Raya customs and get-together will be continued I guess for this one whole month of Syawal. Only today, I can just be in the tranquil state and give myself a chance to be alone. Quality time for myself; well, after watching Milla Jovovich’s thriller “A Perfect Getaway” at Jitra Mall with Kord just now, nonetheless and also a Raya visit by one of  my best buddy Syafique Ghause who is so ever glowing lately. I am just so happy for him although there was an emotional scene (,”).

On whole, I would like to wish everyone a blessed Eid. Maaf Zahir dan Batin. (<”).

Au Revoir SK Sultanah Asma! & Ramadhan. Happy Eid-ul-Fitri 2009.

Last Thursday on the fateful 17th September 2009 marks the last day of my practical tenure in SK Sultanah Asma. So many memories; sweet intertwines with bittersweet. Throughout the 3 months tenure, I’ve garnered a lot of knowledge on education world – on how to tackle pupils diligently, how to mingle and suit-self with the government-based institution and how to sharpen teaching skills. Generally, the administrative, the teachers and the pupils gave good cooperation and I really appreciate that. And of course to my two confidantes a.k.a. Fairy Godmothers (erk?); Puan Noraini and Puan Leang for being such good companies and motherly figure towards me. They gave me moral supports and encouraged me when I was down or having problems to tackle delicate problems pertaining pupils or teaching-learning processes in classes. Every morning, we started the day by greeting ‘Morning” and then bla bla bla…Hahhaa..certainly going to miss the place and both of them (,”)

On the day, the school organized the Closing Ceremony for the Month of Islamic and Arabic Studies; which of course coincides with the ending of Ramadhan. Several Islamic-events were performed such as “Khatam Al-Quran” (solemnization of the completion of Quran Recital) and also nasyeed. After that, we, the practical teachers took the slot to express our appreciation to the school and a few tokens of gratitude; with Yours Truly being the spontaneous-speech-representative *oopsie* After that, the school organized a ’salam-salamn’ between teachers and pupils; the pupils aligned to salam (kissing hands-greeting) the teachers. It was quite heart-wrenching seeing my 3 Venus pupils all aligned and kiss my hands and frantically wishing me “Selamat Hari Raya”… *sniff*

To all my pupils, Sir appreciates all the gifts, the kuih raya and mountainous Raya cards ( I am not exxaggerating. A lot!). They means a lot to me especially when I read whatever wrote in the Raya cards.

“Selamat Hari Raya Sir Shahrill. I am sorry if I did any mistakes and one more thing Happy belated birthday. By the way your birthday is the same as my father’s. But your younger than him even though you have uban it doesn’t means that your that old like Michael Jackson. He is 50 years old. You are 25 years old right? anyway youve been a great ’sir’ to me. I just want to say “Selamat Hari Raya Aildilfitri” and always remember me @ Michael Jackson @ my sister”

“Selamat Hari Raya. here some or a little gift for sir to all your teaching lessons. Sir might use it.”

“Assalamualaikum. Sir Shahrill, I am sorry if I have wrong with you. I want to do fun. I have one pantun. Ada lori, ada bas, Sudah baca, harap balas.”

“Sir Shahrill saya minta maaf atas kesilapan. Terima kasih kerana mengajar saya Bahasa Inglish”

“Selamat Hari Raya Ser Shahril. Semoga dirahmati Allah. Raya ini datang rumah saya! Banyak duit raya menanti Ser!”

“Cikgu Shahril bagi saya cikgu yang paling cikgu terbaik di atas muka bumi tuhan. Nanti cikgu jangan lupakan 3 Venus ya. Cikgu doakan saya berjaya. Mak Limah masak kari, Kari dibuat untuk anaknya, Cikgu Shahril baik sekali, Bila marah bergegar dunia.”

“Cikgu Sharil. Thank you, because you teach me, I will study hard for you. I hope you will be a super teacher. bye. bye.”

“Salam Sir. do forgive us for any wrong doings while you are here teaching at SKSA. thank you very much for your efforts and hardwork to ensure that we excel in our studies. We wish you all the best in your future undertakings”

There are actually lots of things I would like to share but it is impossible to write all of them, right? Some even designed their own raya cards and that what touched me the most. I hope all of you will succeed in your studies and lives. My 3 months have been a great one with brilliant pupils like all of you. And I’ve also discovered some of my strengths and weaknesses for me to improve for the betterment in the next future.

I would also like to wish everyone a blessed Hari Raya Puasa @ Eid-ul-Fitri. This is the 1st Raya for me as a teacher. The last 2 years as a banker. And before that as microbiology student. geez, time flies! (,”).

Cordially, Sir Shahrill Ramli. Teacher of 5 Uranus. 4 Uranus. 3 Venus.

Planetarium Of Childlike’s Pupils : 5 Uranus. 4 Uranus. 3 Venus.

It’s Thursday. The final day before the last week. Yesterday, my English (minor) lecturer came to video-tape my English lesson with 4 Uranus on the request of Jabatan Bahasa Inggeris. Well, I guess at least it compensates my disappointment towards the ‘RENTAS non-nomination’ fiasco. In a way at last, my emotional turbulence on the fiasco is alleviated.

My 5 Uranus Pupils.

For the lesson, I conducted “Passing The Golden Sac Around” where pupils passed around a golden sac around as I played the music. The pupil who has gotten the sac as I stopped the music will have to answer questions pertaining the lesson. The next one, I conducted “Blindfolding Game ala Nenek-Nenek-Si-Bongkok-Tiga” where the blindfolded pupil will have to search for the  friends. While blindfolded, the others did not sing “Nenek-Nenek-Si-Bongkok-Tiga”; instead I changed that into “Baa Baa Black Sheep” to suit the English lesson. The one who was being captured by the ‘grandmother’ / nenek would answer questions. On whole, my lecturer was very impressed with the creativity.. but what to do since minor (English) is not considered as RENTAS as my major is science. Well, I was satisfied nonetheless. My enemy is my own self. As long as I can satisfy myself, everything should be OK.

My 4 Uranus

Next week will be the last week but since the pupils will be having their Monthly Test, I took the advantage of this week to drop any ‘bombshells’ (hahha), advices, let-the-hair-down- sessions with them, and also treats. Generally, all of them are good pupils and gave full co-operation throughout my 3 months tenure.

My 3 Venus

Thanks for the presents and Raya cards. Sir appreciates that!

Depression, Disturbia.

Coretan kali ini ditulis dalam Bahasa Cinta Pertama. Bahasa Melayu. Sepanjang bulan Ramadhan, banyak sungguh dugaan yang mencabar emosi dan rohani. Pada saat ini, hanya tinggal 2 minggu sahaja sebelum saya mengakhiri sesi praktikal di sekolah ini. Banyak pengalaman yang telah ditimba; manis pahit semuanya terpahat dalam memori dan sanubari.

Diri begitu hampa kerana tidak dicalonkan untuk RENTAS yang merupakan penilaian kepada calon cemerlang praktikal. Mungkin kerana saya dah lakukan sedaya-upaya tetapi gagal mendapatkan pengiktirafan yang disasarkan sebelum praktikal. Ada yang menggesa saya supaya ‘mengikhlaskan’ diri dan luahan kekecewaan diri dikatakan sebagai hasil cerapan nawaitu yang silap. Pada saya, keikhlasan sentiasa menjadi landasan semasa memberikan yang terbaik dalam pengajaran kepada para pelajar meskipun masih lagi di bangku praktikal. Namun, kekecewaan kerana tidak dapat mencapai matlamat yang disasarkan oleh diri sendiri membuatkan diri terasa begitu sedih dan tersungkur pedih buat beberapa hari ini. Hilang selera makan, mengasingkan diri daripada keluarga dan sering tidak dapat melelapkan mata : Amalan ‘menghukum diri sendiri’ yang secara automatis teramal sebati dalam diri apabila sasaran yang diimpikan gagal dicapai.

Menjadi pelajar cemerlang praktikal bukanlah sasaran. Yang penting, cukup setakat di-RENTAS. Mungkin bukan rezeki. saya perlukan lebih masa untuk bangkit semula kepada diri yang sediakala. Tapi mungkin kehadiran Pensyarah Bahasa Inggeris pada Rabu ini untuk merakamkan pengajaran saya (atas permintaan pensyarah-pensyarah Jabatan Bahasa Inggeris) boleh dijadikan sebagai lampiran kepada kekecewaan Sains? Ya, tak dinafikan medan Bahasa Inggeris merupakan kekuatan saya. Sayangnya Bahasa Inggeris iaitu pelajaran minor ini TIDAK menyumbang kepada apa-apa markah dan RENTAS.

Saya jujur. Saya takkan berpura-pura menjadikan konsep keikhlasan untuk menidakkan kekecewaan tidak dapat mencapai sasaran diri. Saya seorang yang tidak suka kekalahan. Semangat ‘kiasu’ masih kental dalam diri. Saya juga agresif dengan pendirian saya. Namun pada masa ini, saya perlukan kekuatan diri untuk menghabiskan sisa 2 minggu berbaki ini dengan nyalaan rona semangat yang kian pudar.